Day 13 - Not Testing Blood Sugar Due to Fear

In the previous blog I was writing about how emotions can result with instability in care and management of diabetes because one is acting from the starting point of those emotions instead of acting/moving/directing from the starting point of consideration and care for self within diabetes. So in considering this point I have noticed a common tendency within myself to not check the blood sugar level when I am aware that I am high simply because I do not want to face the high number, so here it goes:

When I've been aware that I've abdicated responsibility for myself in diabetes and more or less `know` that my blood sugar is far too high to get a `normal` reading out of I will deliberately not test my blood sugar to not face the high numbers, because the numbers don't lie, showing me that I've abdicated responsibility for myself. I feared seeing the number of 16 or 20 mmol/l showing me that I've not participated in effective care of myself in diabetes and in this fear I decide to not check the sugar level and only inject insulin. Obviously this is not what is best for me because, for one, I do not know where on the scale the blood sugar in fact is - I may end up doing to little insulin and allow myself to remain high - or I may do too much insulin and cause myself to go low unexpectedly which may happen at a time that I do not have a form of sugar on my person to bring the sugar back up to normal.

As stated above this fear is related to the lack of responsibility that I've had for myself in diabetes and this I've had for, probably much of my life with diabetes. I didn't want to see/face the lack of responsibility that I had for myself, the lack of care, the lack of self love that I had for myself, and wanted to remain in the bubble of bliss in the illusion that I am doing `just fine` managing/taking care of myself in diabetes because I am still alive and no complications in regards to the nervous system or the endocrine system or the circulatory system have manifested yet - again not wanting to face that those complications build up over time and over an extended period of improper management of diabetes. I mean there was an entire year when I was living on my own that I did not test, I only went by the feeling of the body and whether or not I went low - because in knowing that I am low I know where the blood sugar is, but with highs it can be hard to judge where the blood sugar is - whether it is 10, 15, or 20 - there are quite large differences in the body's function and feeling when the sugar is at those levels, but there are gradients between each of those 5mmol/l intervals that are difficult to discern from one another.

In looking at this, lets take the psychological point of view - meaning, that as I fear looking at/seeing the numbers on the meter read out 15mmol/l or 13mmol/l or 20mmol/l - I fear seeing myself in a `negative` light, fearing seeing what I've in fact been allowing myself to do to myself and in this not wanting to bring myself down from the belief of being `fine` in regards to taking care of myself in diabetes and wanting to hold onto the ego definition of being in `good` care of myself or properly managing myself in diabetes, which simply is not so shown through the numbers of my blood sugar the past week, nor the amount of data that I've recorded in regards to amount of insulin or carbohydrates ate. I didn't want to face myself in how I've been treating myself in diabetes and through the feeling of the body's blood sugar being high I `knew` that I was high but did not want to test my blood sugar and confirm that I've been giving myself improper care. I did not want to see the physical validation of myself being irresponsible for caring for my health in respect to diabetes so I only inject; I estimate how much I think I am and then inject a rough estimate of insulin and then hope that it all works out, I will aim on the higher side when injecting insulin so that I have that cross reference of being low later on that my sugar is at a point that I know how to correct it enough to bring myself up to where I need to be.

So why is this an issue? Taking a look at the who I am within this point it means that I do not want to align or correct my actions to sit in line with being absolutely responsible for myself within diabetes in every moment - I do not want to let go of those wants/needs/desire, mainly revolving around ill timed sugar consumption, and decide to, once and for all, take a stand within this point of diabetes and decide to give myself the gift of unconditional care and support. So if this point was to be `blown up` it would lead into severe consequences through not taking absolute responsibility and can also lead to me, one day, deciding that I have had enough of living with diabetes and saying `fuck it all` resulting in myself not taking care of myself any longer

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear seeing the reading of my blood sugar be higher than what it is suggested to stay within the limits of, fear coming to the realization that I've not been giving myself great care of myself in diabetes, fear bringing myself down from the pedestal that I've placed myself upon in the definition of who I am within the ego of being a person who is taking proper care of themselves within diabetes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself testing the blood sugar because I feel high in that moment and I do not want to see the physical confirmation of the numbers on the blood glucose meter stating that I am high and I have not done everything in my power to give myself the best treatment possible

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that yes, there are times when I am going to be high, but to purposely not test the blood sugar because I fear seeing the confirmation that I am high is an abuse to the body and a stance within myself in relation to diabetes that cannot stand the test of time within the principle of living what is best for all in/as the point of diabetes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself improper care and support via not testing the blood sugar so that I can get an accurate reading and then correctly estimate how much insulin to inject to stave off any ill-timed lows when it may really put myself in a compromising position, such as driving a car

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support the ego within wanting to define myself as being someone who takes proper care of myself rather then to support the body and take proper care of myself in fact even though testing the blood sugar unconditionally so that I am able to accurately measure how much insulin I will need to bring myself down to where I need to be and not only guessing where I am and how much insulin I need which can cause unwanted consequences and a difficult time managing the blood sugar levels

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking responsibility for myself in every moment, fear letting go of the moments wherein I know I should not be eating this sweet because I have not been active throughout the day and the body is going to have a difficult time correcting the spike , and fear taking preventative measures for any highs that I do not need to experience because within this point of fearing testing the blood sugar because I feel high, I usually have previously ate something that is not in alignment with effective support the hours before being high and thus I do not want to face the point of being high due to my conscious decision to do eat something that will make me high

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to face the point of myself eating things at improper times, like when I am aware that the body is going to have a difficult time processing the sugar, and correcting that point into what is best for all which would be stopping myself in that moment, breathing, and eating something that has a low amount of carbs and/or sugar within it so that the body is able to handle the sugar much easier than if it were a `heavy carb`

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the consequences of my decisions when deciding to eat something at an `improper` time such as a day where I've had no activity and the blood sugar is already a bit elevated by not testing the blood sugar to confirm that I am living within the consequences of my decisions and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use fear to stop me from correcting the point of myself deciding to eat at improper times

I commit myself to checking the blood sugar regardless of what I feel about the blood sugar and regardless of whether or not I fear the point of believing that I have not taken responsibility for myself resulting in being hyperglycemic, and in this I realize that if I do give into the fear and not check the blood sugar then I am deliberately allowing myself to not take responsibility in that moment, and allowing myself to `ballpark` the insulin injection which can result in unwanted consequences

I realize that being hyperglycemic does not directly translate into improper care and consideration for myself within diabetes but that deliberately not testing because of the fear of being high is allowing myself to give improper care and consideration for myself within diabetes

I commit myself to when/as I see that I feel high and I am resisting testing the blood sugar because I am aware that I ate something earlier on in the day that I did not consider and did not inject an appropriate amount of insulin for and I am fearing taking responsibility for myself by deciding to not test, to in that moment let go of the fear of not being responsible for myself in managing diabetes and realizing that if I allow myself to not test then I am still existing within that pattern of not giving myself proper responsibility in effective care and management of the point of diabetes.

I realize that giving myself proper care does not include any emotions or reaction involved to seeing a number in relation to blood sugar level and it is about who I am within the point of diabetes and that if I am emotional within taking care of myself within diabetes I am going to move myself in relation to those emotions instead of standing within the principle of what is best for all within/as the point of diabetes and proper care and consideration within diabetes