Day 20 - The Relationship with Being Low and Being Here

I had an interesting experience with a low yesterday and what I noticed is that it can become really dangerous when self is not here in awareness in/or/as self within/as the physical reality

For context; I was feeling a bit high when I was leaving to go out grocery shopping, I had a few coffees with sugar before that and I just woke up before that and when I wake up I have been finding that the insulin I inject at that time is not as effective as other times, this is mainly due to, from what I've read, the start up processes of the body where the body creates sugar in the mornings or when self wakes up to give the body a bit of energy so you can start the day; so when I inject insulin in the mornings I've found that it is not as effective. I also had the coffees with sugar so I decided to inject insulin based on those factors in which I did not think that I was going to go low from

As I was driving I was feeling like I was low but there is also something that I like to call a false low which is when the blood sugar is dropping and when that happens you can basically just wait and breathe and eventually the physical feelings of being low will fade away so again I decided to breathe and wait it out and continue on with getting groceries cause I didn't think that I was actually going low

By the time that I got to the grocery store the feelings of being low were still around, I was still not able to concentrate effectively, I was still feeling physically weak so I was starting to plan when/where/how I am going to get sugar, luckily they were offering cookies at the entrance to the grocery store cause it's the holiday season which was quite beneficial for me lol, so when I had the cookie I was like ok, I will wait it out again, wait till the sugar from the cookie is digested and placed into the blood stream and wait to feel better so I continued shopping for groceries.

I went to the produce section first and I was still feeling like shit, still waiting for the cookie to kick in and still thinking/hoping that it would kick in soon enough; it never did, so the blood sugar continued to drop. I didn't think that the low was that bad because usually there is like an experience of fear and worry and stress that signifies a serious low, but in stopping the emotions in that time I was not catching the `seriousness` of the low. The seriousness started to show when my vision started to go and this is where the title of the blog becomes relevant. When I started to lose my vision I was noticing an interesting thing that I have not noticed before - some of the images that I was seeing were carrying over into the next moment as I would move my eyes. So for instance I was starting at this machine that looked like a big pressure cooker and then I looked over towards apples or something and the image of the pressure cooker carried over to the apples and I didn't immediately see the apples, I had to take a step back, clear myself, then take a look again. Now what I noticed about that moment was that I was thinking about the pressure cooker, I was thinking about what it was, what the employees specifically used it for, you know, and then as I stared away the image carried over with it. This same thing happened with a memory where I went off into a memory and then again it was like right here infront of me - more so than it would be if I was `normal` like when a memory comes up it is in front of the `third eye` but one can see the physical reality in front of self, like all physical reality shut out and all I saw was the memory - it was really interesting and I have yet to find a suitable explanation but it seems like the brain didn't have the capacity to fuel both the image of the memory and the physical reality and thus it becomes really dangerous to participate in the mind when going low cause the separation from physical reality is clearly quite detrimental. When I did go into that mind state when the image would carry over I would more so lose my balance cause I was not aware of my physical body, I was not away of the physical reality in/as balance, gravity and stabilization.

What this shows is how much participating in the mind actually separates me from the physical reality, it shows that when I participate in the mind in thought/projection/imagination we severely cut ourselves out from the physical reality, we forget all things around us, we only see the image of the thought, and as I look at it the body does all these things for us, it stays within the physical reality and supports us to be here in the physical reality, meaning that because the body didn't have the energy/fuel to remain here within the physical reality, the second I went into the mind and thought the body quickly struggled to remain physically stable - so herein we have a responsibility for the body and for ourselves to get out of the mind, get out of the thoughts/emotions/feelings that accompany participating in energy within the mind and focus ourselves here on the body and supporting the body equally as it has been supporting us the entire time without us even being aware of it. So in this I mean, I know that I personally do participate a lot in the mind, random thoughts, imaginations etc and I never realized how much the body was actually supporting me in this physical reality unconditionally, how often that, despite my participation in the mind, it was here for me keeping me here, because I mean taking a look at that point, as a resident of the body I have done not much to support it in the physical reality - I have allowed myself to go into the mind and cut myself out from the physical reality and I'm sure that as I do this I am creating consequences for the body - possible needing to expend more energy to remain stable here as it doesn't have support but the opposite rather, cause I am not here as I think or participate in the mind and I am not giving care or support to the body when having physical ailment such as diabetes.

So I will be working on being here more cause it has been a point that I have been looking at recently as there have been more problems with the body that I have been noticing start to heal as I calm myself down within the mind and stop myself from going off into the mind on random tangents.

Overall we have a responsibility to our bodies to give it more support to be here rather than it having to do it solely by itself. I suggest to investigate Desteni to understand what the mind is what/how we've designed it to be and have been using it for and how it has become detrimental towards the body and the physical reality

Day 16 - Frustration With Hypoglycemia Part 3

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit in bed when I feel weak and feel that I have a low blood sugar , entertaining and allowing thoughts of hoping that the feeling will just fade away so that I can go back to sleep - signalling to the body that I do not care about what it is physically going through, I only care about the experience of myself in sleep

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to ignore and push away the feeling of being low while I am in the middle of sleep or on the edge of consciousness where I allow myself to attempt to ignore the physical feeling of the body and the physicality of the body and drift off into consciousness stating that I have no care or consideration for the physical body within the point of care and support for it within the point of diabetes

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that within that moment, if I hold off getting myself out of that sleepy state and going to go get something to eat or checking my blood sugar to make sure that I am low, then the feeling is not going to disappear so easily and I am going to get `worse` of a sleep than if I were to simply get up in that moment and correct the low that I am going through. As well, if the feeling does go away then I subject myself to waking up again feeling low and having to go through the whole debacle once more, so in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that what is best for me within that time and scenario is to get up regardless of questioning whether or not it is a low and eat something to support the body while being hypoglycemic

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the relationship with the body to be less than the relationship with the mind wherein I have stated that I would rather participate in the mind than to correct and support the body via getting out of bed and treating the hypoglycemic episode - in this stating that I would rather go into the `dream` state that is involved with consciousness than to bring myself out of that state and into the physical reality via getting out of bed and getting something to eat in the middle of the night when I wake up due to a low

I commit myself to correcting my relationship with the body from being one of ignorance and suppression to expression and support and expansion via implementing this point of getting out of bed when I have woken up in the middle of the night due to a low = changing my relationship with the body through implementing this point of support for the body and moving my relationship to be equal with the body/mind/self wherein I support each point equally rather than only supporting myself sometimes within one aspect over another or favouring one aspect over another

When/as I wake up in the night due to a low, wake up, feel weak and there are thoughts running around in the mind of wanting to just go back to sleep and being frustrated with being low at that time and blaming diabetes for a lack of sleep and feeling disempowered because of the point of diabetes is creating this point within me - I stop myself from entertaining and moving within those thoughts/idea/beliefs, I breathe, I bring my awareness to the physical body and I implement change within myself by getting out of bed in that one breath and moving myself to go get something to eat to support the body within being low

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame diabetes for my feeling of disempowerment in relation to not being able to get a decent amount of sleep due to being waken up in a low resulting in physically feeling weak in this separating myself from the point of diabetes as if it is outside of myself and something that is able to be blamed - which it is not as I am the creator of myself and thus the creator of diabetes within myself thus I am not able to practically and REALly blame diabetes as it is not something that is separate from me to blame - it is not an isolated point that exists solely on it's own - it is in direct correlation to ME and thus all point revolving around diabetes are ME - thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame ME for having diabetes and blame myself for causing this disease to manifest within the body.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to remove all blame for myself for creating diabetes within myself and stand equal and one with myself in/as the point of diabetes, supporting myself unconditionally and not allowing emotions to direct my relationship with diabetes as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship towards diabetes of blame, disappointment, frustration, disempowerment thus allowing these emotions to arise when I wake up low in the night time instead of redefining myself in relation to diabetes to be of support, care, consideration, acceptance and expansion and thus within this I commit myself to implement the new definition of myself in relation to diabetes each and every time this point occurs; practically meaning to not allow myself to react with emotions when I wake up low, but to breathe and direct myself to live/move within the new definition of myself in relation to diabetes which means to get up and out of bed to correct the low that I am going through in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist getting out of bed because of the experience of the bed being nice and warm and comfy and getting out of bed removes that experience, and thus I have stated in that moment that I enjoy experience more than real practical care and consideration for the physical body - thus I commit myself to correct my relationship with the body by getting out of bed and making the decision within myself to commit myself to care and support for the body rather than experiences.

Day 15 - Frustration and Anger with Hypoglycemia Part 2

To continue on from the previous blog there is a point of frustration that I want to write about in relation to going low or being hypoglycemic. A big point of frustration, anger, resentment, annoyance, agitation within diabetes is hypoglycemia while trying to sleep. This point is a bane to my existence. There have been many nights where I have gone low a few times during the night resulting in mornings of exhaustion and feeling distraught, feeling pissed off, and feeling like you want to give up on yourself and the world.

For those reading this that aren't diabetic imagine that you have an important meeting tomorrow morning. You go to bed early so that you can get a satisfactory amount of sleep so that you can be fresh for the morning and ready to go. Now as you lay in bed you start to feel a bit weak in the body, you don't feel all here, you are kinda dislocated from your body and are more in your mind. Now you realize that this may be a low but you are weary of whether or not you should eat because when sleeping the blood sugar rises and it may correct itself during the night, so you breathe for a bit, close your eyes and try to sleep. After an hour or so you still feel weak, your now a bit agitated because you weren't able to get to sleep in time so that you could be fresh for the meeting in the morning, so you get yourself out of bed, you walk down to the kitchen, you grab some juice drink it and head back up to bed to wait for a while until the sugar kicks in and you feel strong enough to go to sleep. Now the middle of the night comes and you are in and out of consciousness for a while. You wake up for a few moments, not completely conscious of what's going on but fall back to the edge of sleep, not completely immersed in sleep and not completely awake. You're telling yourself to just go back to sleep because you need a good nights sleep but the feeling just keeps coming back. After a while of coming in and out of consciousness you finally decide within yourself to wake up and go get something to eat again. Now it is well past the point of getting a good nights rest in order to be fresh for the morning, so you bite the bullet in that moment, accept the fact that tomorrow your going to be tired and will give it your best during the meeting.

This is what is common for diabetics. I remember times when this same example would happen but there would be an exam in the morning, and I desperately wanted to get some sleep but going low throughout the night made it impossible to do so. I would get incredibly frustrated when these moments occur, because the body would not go the way that I wanted it to go.

I still experience this today and I have not corrected the relationship to the body which is the reason why I am writing this blog at the moment. I say corrected the relationship to the body because I still react in frustration and, almost like a form of disappointment, when this point occurs in my life. Within reading the second paragraph you may note that a point of frustration was coming through in the writing which shows the relationship that I am creating towards the body within this pattern. What I am saying to the body in these moments is that I care more about the experience of sleeping than I do about the health of the body and thus I am stating that I do not care about the body.

A feeling of weakness will come up in the middle of the night, but I won’t be sure of whether or not it is a momentary weakness or if it is an actual hypoglycemic episode. Once the feeling comes on, and once I decide that I am not sure about what it is, I will breathe and take a moment to close my eyes so that I can see if it is possible to fall back asleep. For the most part I do fall back asleep for a little while, but only on the edge of consciousness which means that I am still quite aware of what is going on. I will sit in this feeling until either it goes away or it becomes too strong for me to ignore. While this is happening I am becoming more frustrated with not being able to sleep the way I would like to; uninterrupted.

I am telling the body that I have more interest in sleeping than taking proper care of the body, but the body is going to need continual management because it is not going to `go` any time soon lol. Since I have placed more interest in sleeping than in support and care for the body in times of being low while in the midst of sleeping the frustration comes up. The frustration comes up because I am not getting what I want - uninterrupted sleep - and it is because of a point that I have defined within myself as a nuisance (hypoglycemia). This is not cool because I am stating that the experience of sleeping and the experience of not being aware or awake is much more pleasurable than taking practical physical care of the body. So this is certainly not how I want to treat myself in relationship to the body, I would much rather take care of the body and show it that I do need it to last a bit longer and do need it to maintain itself as best as possible - because like what am I telling the body as I react in this manner? I am telling the body that I do not want it, I am telling the body that I do not care for the physical functions and necessities of itself I am telling it that I just want to use it for the experiences that can be created here in the physical reality and that the physical functions of it come second to the experiences that are able to be created. If I continue to accept this from myself then a fucked up relationship to the body will exist.

The change here is to let go of the frustration and annoyance and/or any reaction that comes up when I feel low at night or when I am awoken from feeling weak and hypoglycemic, and rather than trying to fall back asleep and ignore what is going on, change that point into consideration of the body in that moment, and simply move myself to correct the low - the same point from the frustration when working applies here.

In the next post I will write SF and SCS on the experience of being frustrated when being low and corrections on how to approach points of being low from hereon.