Day 13 - Not Testing Blood Sugar Due to Fear

In the previous blog I was writing about how emotions can result with instability in care and management of diabetes because one is acting from the starting point of those emotions instead of acting/moving/directing from the starting point of consideration and care for self within diabetes. So in considering this point I have noticed a common tendency within myself to not check the blood sugar level when I am aware that I am high simply because I do not want to face the high number, so here it goes:

When I've been aware that I've abdicated responsibility for myself in diabetes and more or less `know` that my blood sugar is far too high to get a `normal` reading out of I will deliberately not test my blood sugar to not face the high numbers, because the numbers don't lie, showing me that I've abdicated responsibility for myself. I feared seeing the number of 16 or 20 mmol/l showing me that I've not participated in effective care of myself in diabetes and in this fear I decide to not check the sugar level and only inject insulin. Obviously this is not what is best for me because, for one, I do not know where on the scale the blood sugar in fact is - I may end up doing to little insulin and allow myself to remain high - or I may do too much insulin and cause myself to go low unexpectedly which may happen at a time that I do not have a form of sugar on my person to bring the sugar back up to normal.

As stated above this fear is related to the lack of responsibility that I've had for myself in diabetes and this I've had for, probably much of my life with diabetes. I didn't want to see/face the lack of responsibility that I had for myself, the lack of care, the lack of self love that I had for myself, and wanted to remain in the bubble of bliss in the illusion that I am doing `just fine` managing/taking care of myself in diabetes because I am still alive and no complications in regards to the nervous system or the endocrine system or the circulatory system have manifested yet - again not wanting to face that those complications build up over time and over an extended period of improper management of diabetes. I mean there was an entire year when I was living on my own that I did not test, I only went by the feeling of the body and whether or not I went low - because in knowing that I am low I know where the blood sugar is, but with highs it can be hard to judge where the blood sugar is - whether it is 10, 15, or 20 - there are quite large differences in the body's function and feeling when the sugar is at those levels, but there are gradients between each of those 5mmol/l intervals that are difficult to discern from one another.

In looking at this, lets take the psychological point of view - meaning, that as I fear looking at/seeing the numbers on the meter read out 15mmol/l or 13mmol/l or 20mmol/l - I fear seeing myself in a `negative` light, fearing seeing what I've in fact been allowing myself to do to myself and in this not wanting to bring myself down from the belief of being `fine` in regards to taking care of myself in diabetes and wanting to hold onto the ego definition of being in `good` care of myself or properly managing myself in diabetes, which simply is not so shown through the numbers of my blood sugar the past week, nor the amount of data that I've recorded in regards to amount of insulin or carbohydrates ate. I didn't want to face myself in how I've been treating myself in diabetes and through the feeling of the body's blood sugar being high I `knew` that I was high but did not want to test my blood sugar and confirm that I've been giving myself improper care. I did not want to see the physical validation of myself being irresponsible for caring for my health in respect to diabetes so I only inject; I estimate how much I think I am and then inject a rough estimate of insulin and then hope that it all works out, I will aim on the higher side when injecting insulin so that I have that cross reference of being low later on that my sugar is at a point that I know how to correct it enough to bring myself up to where I need to be.

So why is this an issue? Taking a look at the who I am within this point it means that I do not want to align or correct my actions to sit in line with being absolutely responsible for myself within diabetes in every moment - I do not want to let go of those wants/needs/desire, mainly revolving around ill timed sugar consumption, and decide to, once and for all, take a stand within this point of diabetes and decide to give myself the gift of unconditional care and support. So if this point was to be `blown up` it would lead into severe consequences through not taking absolute responsibility and can also lead to me, one day, deciding that I have had enough of living with diabetes and saying `fuck it all` resulting in myself not taking care of myself any longer

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear seeing the reading of my blood sugar be higher than what it is suggested to stay within the limits of, fear coming to the realization that I've not been giving myself great care of myself in diabetes, fear bringing myself down from the pedestal that I've placed myself upon in the definition of who I am within the ego of being a person who is taking proper care of themselves within diabetes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself testing the blood sugar because I feel high in that moment and I do not want to see the physical confirmation of the numbers on the blood glucose meter stating that I am high and I have not done everything in my power to give myself the best treatment possible

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that yes, there are times when I am going to be high, but to purposely not test the blood sugar because I fear seeing the confirmation that I am high is an abuse to the body and a stance within myself in relation to diabetes that cannot stand the test of time within the principle of living what is best for all in/as the point of diabetes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself improper care and support via not testing the blood sugar so that I can get an accurate reading and then correctly estimate how much insulin to inject to stave off any ill-timed lows when it may really put myself in a compromising position, such as driving a car

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support the ego within wanting to define myself as being someone who takes proper care of myself rather then to support the body and take proper care of myself in fact even though testing the blood sugar unconditionally so that I am able to accurately measure how much insulin I will need to bring myself down to where I need to be and not only guessing where I am and how much insulin I need which can cause unwanted consequences and a difficult time managing the blood sugar levels

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking responsibility for myself in every moment, fear letting go of the moments wherein I know I should not be eating this sweet because I have not been active throughout the day and the body is going to have a difficult time correcting the spike , and fear taking preventative measures for any highs that I do not need to experience because within this point of fearing testing the blood sugar because I feel high, I usually have previously ate something that is not in alignment with effective support the hours before being high and thus I do not want to face the point of being high due to my conscious decision to do eat something that will make me high

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to face the point of myself eating things at improper times, like when I am aware that the body is going to have a difficult time processing the sugar, and correcting that point into what is best for all which would be stopping myself in that moment, breathing, and eating something that has a low amount of carbs and/or sugar within it so that the body is able to handle the sugar much easier than if it were a `heavy carb`

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the consequences of my decisions when deciding to eat something at an `improper` time such as a day where I've had no activity and the blood sugar is already a bit elevated by not testing the blood sugar to confirm that I am living within the consequences of my decisions and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use fear to stop me from correcting the point of myself deciding to eat at improper times

I commit myself to checking the blood sugar regardless of what I feel about the blood sugar and regardless of whether or not I fear the point of believing that I have not taken responsibility for myself resulting in being hyperglycemic, and in this I realize that if I do give into the fear and not check the blood sugar then I am deliberately allowing myself to not take responsibility in that moment, and allowing myself to `ballpark` the insulin injection which can result in unwanted consequences

I realize that being hyperglycemic does not directly translate into improper care and consideration for myself within diabetes but that deliberately not testing because of the fear of being high is allowing myself to give improper care and consideration for myself within diabetes

I commit myself to when/as I see that I feel high and I am resisting testing the blood sugar because I am aware that I ate something earlier on in the day that I did not consider and did not inject an appropriate amount of insulin for and I am fearing taking responsibility for myself by deciding to not test, to in that moment let go of the fear of not being responsible for myself in managing diabetes and realizing that if I allow myself to not test then I am still existing within that pattern of not giving myself proper responsibility in effective care and management of the point of diabetes.

I realize that giving myself proper care does not include any emotions or reaction involved to seeing a number in relation to blood sugar level and it is about who I am within the point of diabetes and that if I am emotional within taking care of myself within diabetes I am going to move myself in relation to those emotions instead of standing within the principle of what is best for all within/as the point of diabetes and proper care and consideration within diabetes

Post #3 - Day 62 Autoimmunity and Diabetes

Post From - (http://paulsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/06/day-62-autoimmunity-and-diabetes.html)

"I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the information that diabetes is caused by an autoimmune disease without questioning what autoimmunity is and how autoimmunity works, and how the immune system has been designed to act on auto pilot to attack a part of itself that is beneficial to itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be told that diabetes is caused by an auto immune system disorder and leave it at that, not questioning what in fact needs to take place within the body for the immune system to become on auto pilot, and why is it automatically designed to attack the pancreas

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the body works as a system of input and output like all life here on this planet and has specific system information for each part of the body and that for an auto immune system to take place I as creator must have placed information into/as the body through my actions and thoughts in order for the immune system to automatically start to attack the pancreas

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because it has been said that the cause of diabetes is this auto immune disorder that there will be no cure as it is supposedly `just something that happens`, when through my diagnoses I was diagnosed when I was 14 so it had to take 14 years for the `automatic` part of the immune system to take place meaning that it wasn't immediately automatic or I would have been diagnosed much sooner then 14 and that it means that I had done something to trigger the auto immunity within body that sent system coding for the immune system to attack the pancreas

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the people in high places in this world, high places regarding money, want to keep their money and the constant input of money and a cure would mean that they will no longer have money coming in from diabetics to support their lives, jobs, and companies, so a cure would not be in the best interest of all those employed within the diabetic industry because of the way we have accepted the monetary system to run, and only through implementing and equal money system will we ever see a cure developed for anything that currently exists that makes money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that only through our being within our minds does the body in fact run on auto-pilot because if we had to in fact control everything in the body we would immediately die from not being here with the body, in this that the auto-pilot is designed within the body for the best functions of the body and only through our input as foods and thoughts and our treatment of the body do we alter the functions of the body to not be what is in fact best for the body, in this causing the body to harm itself due to the programmed functions, meaning that illness and dis-ease is caused by what we have done within the body and not necessarily because of the body itself. In this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the awareness to see in self-honesty how I as the body caused what the body has become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to see the correlation within my thoughts of basically flagellation and the auto immune system disorder that attack the body, wherein my thoughts often lead to self-judgment and harm and a beating up on myself for being, and in this not realizing that this would have a massive impact on the body overtime and that over time it would then train the body to harm itself for being, as shown through autoimmune destruction of the pancreas, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider all factors within this reality that would be a possibility for dis-ease to exist, and to only chalk up the diagnoses to one simple cause as an auto immune disorder

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diagnose dis-ease when I in fact have no idea how reality in fact functions, on how the interplay between all aspects of reality affect reality to exist the way it does, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diagnose a dis-ease from the information and knowledge that I have been taught and searched for not realizing that information and knowledge is in fact useless and only a blind onto how reality in fact functions as the cooperation between all beings to exist, in this not understanding the cooperation between all beings in existence, nor the intricate communication between each down to the smallest point in the physical existence equal and one with the largest point of existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a human believe that I am above all other beings because I have knowledge and information about how reality works, but not a equal and one understanding as myself of how reality in fact works, and that the understanding of reality is in separation within the mind as information and knowledge when that is in fact not understanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the industry that is in control of the medication of this reality is also in control of the food in this reality and that diabetes is a disease that needs to be monitored through food and medication and that there can be manipulated self-interest here where the food that we input will eventually require medication to stabilize the body because this money system works within the possibilities of this interaction and the human greed is enough to manipulate the system to get it to this point where food will cause requirements for medication as shown through type 2 diabetes where diet is easily the cure for type 2 diabetes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a system to exist where there is a mediator between what is accepted and food and what is accepted as medication that is under the same control of the same agency meaning that it is in it's best interest the manipulate the food that is consumed to make money off of consumers later on through causing dis-ease where on would then need to buy medication to continue to live causing the agency that monitors the food and drugs permitted in this system to make a lot of money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for the interactions that I have permitted within the body through my abdication of being here with the body, and in this not taking responsibility, separate myself from the body from standing equal and one with the body allowing myself to not see what I have been doing to the body as the creator of the body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not use myself as a point to investigate in looking at all the points within myself prior to being diagnoses with diabetes, and see what in fact took place before I was diagnosed that could lead to the point of the immune system attacking the insulin producing cells in the body, of whether it was diet, whether it was thought manifestation, whether it was a combination of variables within reality, and in this find the source to the cause of the system dis-ease that leads to diabetes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to opportunity to clearly investigate why and how the immune system decides to attack the pancreas to stop it producing insulin which is a beneficial hormone for the body  to function `normally` and in this to not investigate all environmental factors as to what happened in each case of a diabetic that lead to the immune system to be programmed into attacking the pancreas to stop producing insulin

I commit myself to investigate the points within myself prior to being diagnoses with diabetes as to what environmental factors and self-behaviours that lead to the manifestation of the dis-ease of diabetes

I commit myself to standing for all diabetics and people with dis-ease in their life through support of the equal money system wherein profit is not the motive of life, but life being the motive of life wherein cures are then able to exist because there will not be profit motive behind the continuation of dis-ease and illness

I commit myself to walking myself backwards in time and establishing an effective communication with the body in how I in fact created the dis-ease that is diabetes within myself and how to properly stand in the place of the pancreas to be the best support that I can be for the body

I commit myself to not simply accept that the cause for diabetes is an auto-immune disorder that is just because it is, and to commit myself to investigate exactly what happened in my life that lead to the immune system automatically deciding for itself to attack the pancreas, and what information I input into the body that would lead it to end up attacking the pancreas."