Day 13 - Not Testing Blood Sugar Due to Fear

In the previous blog I was writing about how emotions can result with instability in care and management of diabetes because one is acting from the starting point of those emotions instead of acting/moving/directing from the starting point of consideration and care for self within diabetes. So in considering this point I have noticed a common tendency within myself to not check the blood sugar level when I am aware that I am high simply because I do not want to face the high number, so here it goes:

When I've been aware that I've abdicated responsibility for myself in diabetes and more or less `know` that my blood sugar is far too high to get a `normal` reading out of I will deliberately not test my blood sugar to not face the high numbers, because the numbers don't lie, showing me that I've abdicated responsibility for myself. I feared seeing the number of 16 or 20 mmol/l showing me that I've not participated in effective care of myself in diabetes and in this fear I decide to not check the sugar level and only inject insulin. Obviously this is not what is best for me because, for one, I do not know where on the scale the blood sugar in fact is - I may end up doing to little insulin and allow myself to remain high - or I may do too much insulin and cause myself to go low unexpectedly which may happen at a time that I do not have a form of sugar on my person to bring the sugar back up to normal.

As stated above this fear is related to the lack of responsibility that I've had for myself in diabetes and this I've had for, probably much of my life with diabetes. I didn't want to see/face the lack of responsibility that I had for myself, the lack of care, the lack of self love that I had for myself, and wanted to remain in the bubble of bliss in the illusion that I am doing `just fine` managing/taking care of myself in diabetes because I am still alive and no complications in regards to the nervous system or the endocrine system or the circulatory system have manifested yet - again not wanting to face that those complications build up over time and over an extended period of improper management of diabetes. I mean there was an entire year when I was living on my own that I did not test, I only went by the feeling of the body and whether or not I went low - because in knowing that I am low I know where the blood sugar is, but with highs it can be hard to judge where the blood sugar is - whether it is 10, 15, or 20 - there are quite large differences in the body's function and feeling when the sugar is at those levels, but there are gradients between each of those 5mmol/l intervals that are difficult to discern from one another.

In looking at this, lets take the psychological point of view - meaning, that as I fear looking at/seeing the numbers on the meter read out 15mmol/l or 13mmol/l or 20mmol/l - I fear seeing myself in a `negative` light, fearing seeing what I've in fact been allowing myself to do to myself and in this not wanting to bring myself down from the belief of being `fine` in regards to taking care of myself in diabetes and wanting to hold onto the ego definition of being in `good` care of myself or properly managing myself in diabetes, which simply is not so shown through the numbers of my blood sugar the past week, nor the amount of data that I've recorded in regards to amount of insulin or carbohydrates ate. I didn't want to face myself in how I've been treating myself in diabetes and through the feeling of the body's blood sugar being high I `knew` that I was high but did not want to test my blood sugar and confirm that I've been giving myself improper care. I did not want to see the physical validation of myself being irresponsible for caring for my health in respect to diabetes so I only inject; I estimate how much I think I am and then inject a rough estimate of insulin and then hope that it all works out, I will aim on the higher side when injecting insulin so that I have that cross reference of being low later on that my sugar is at a point that I know how to correct it enough to bring myself up to where I need to be.

So why is this an issue? Taking a look at the who I am within this point it means that I do not want to align or correct my actions to sit in line with being absolutely responsible for myself within diabetes in every moment - I do not want to let go of those wants/needs/desire, mainly revolving around ill timed sugar consumption, and decide to, once and for all, take a stand within this point of diabetes and decide to give myself the gift of unconditional care and support. So if this point was to be `blown up` it would lead into severe consequences through not taking absolute responsibility and can also lead to me, one day, deciding that I have had enough of living with diabetes and saying `fuck it all` resulting in myself not taking care of myself any longer

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear seeing the reading of my blood sugar be higher than what it is suggested to stay within the limits of, fear coming to the realization that I've not been giving myself great care of myself in diabetes, fear bringing myself down from the pedestal that I've placed myself upon in the definition of who I am within the ego of being a person who is taking proper care of themselves within diabetes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself testing the blood sugar because I feel high in that moment and I do not want to see the physical confirmation of the numbers on the blood glucose meter stating that I am high and I have not done everything in my power to give myself the best treatment possible

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that yes, there are times when I am going to be high, but to purposely not test the blood sugar because I fear seeing the confirmation that I am high is an abuse to the body and a stance within myself in relation to diabetes that cannot stand the test of time within the principle of living what is best for all in/as the point of diabetes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself improper care and support via not testing the blood sugar so that I can get an accurate reading and then correctly estimate how much insulin to inject to stave off any ill-timed lows when it may really put myself in a compromising position, such as driving a car

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support the ego within wanting to define myself as being someone who takes proper care of myself rather then to support the body and take proper care of myself in fact even though testing the blood sugar unconditionally so that I am able to accurately measure how much insulin I will need to bring myself down to where I need to be and not only guessing where I am and how much insulin I need which can cause unwanted consequences and a difficult time managing the blood sugar levels

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking responsibility for myself in every moment, fear letting go of the moments wherein I know I should not be eating this sweet because I have not been active throughout the day and the body is going to have a difficult time correcting the spike , and fear taking preventative measures for any highs that I do not need to experience because within this point of fearing testing the blood sugar because I feel high, I usually have previously ate something that is not in alignment with effective support the hours before being high and thus I do not want to face the point of being high due to my conscious decision to do eat something that will make me high

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to face the point of myself eating things at improper times, like when I am aware that the body is going to have a difficult time processing the sugar, and correcting that point into what is best for all which would be stopping myself in that moment, breathing, and eating something that has a low amount of carbs and/or sugar within it so that the body is able to handle the sugar much easier than if it were a `heavy carb`

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the consequences of my decisions when deciding to eat something at an `improper` time such as a day where I've had no activity and the blood sugar is already a bit elevated by not testing the blood sugar to confirm that I am living within the consequences of my decisions and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use fear to stop me from correcting the point of myself deciding to eat at improper times

I commit myself to checking the blood sugar regardless of what I feel about the blood sugar and regardless of whether or not I fear the point of believing that I have not taken responsibility for myself resulting in being hyperglycemic, and in this I realize that if I do give into the fear and not check the blood sugar then I am deliberately allowing myself to not take responsibility in that moment, and allowing myself to `ballpark` the insulin injection which can result in unwanted consequences

I realize that being hyperglycemic does not directly translate into improper care and consideration for myself within diabetes but that deliberately not testing because of the fear of being high is allowing myself to give improper care and consideration for myself within diabetes

I commit myself to when/as I see that I feel high and I am resisting testing the blood sugar because I am aware that I ate something earlier on in the day that I did not consider and did not inject an appropriate amount of insulin for and I am fearing taking responsibility for myself by deciding to not test, to in that moment let go of the fear of not being responsible for myself in managing diabetes and realizing that if I allow myself to not test then I am still existing within that pattern of not giving myself proper responsibility in effective care and management of the point of diabetes.

I realize that giving myself proper care does not include any emotions or reaction involved to seeing a number in relation to blood sugar level and it is about who I am within the point of diabetes and that if I am emotional within taking care of myself within diabetes I am going to move myself in relation to those emotions instead of standing within the principle of what is best for all within/as the point of diabetes and proper care and consideration within diabetes

Day 12 - Stabilizing Emotions Stabilizes Diabetes

I find that most of us diabetics are very emotional people and can react quite easily to something someone says to us about diabetes which they may not be entirely informed upon, or we are limited in some aspect within our realities due to a point regarding diabetes such as insurance or benefits or time scheduling or travelling - I mean when I was a teenager a friend introduced me to hitchhiking and I became quite attracted to hitchhiking or the idea of it - then I took a look at the point of diabetes and saw that it was not possible because I had diabetes. I then became very depressed and frustrated because I realized in that moment that diabetes was going to be a limitation upon my life and I simply couldn't do some of the things that I would want to do - so most of us diabetics are going to, at some point in our lives, face the reality that we have diabetes and that it is going to limit our lives, stop us from doing what we would like to do at times, and cause us to deal with the moronic lines of red tape.

Not only that, but we are also faced with challenges on a daily basis, you know, we have to make sure what we are doing, each day, is in alignment with care and consideration of diabetes so that we do not end up in a consequential outcome due to not paying attention to what the body is saying or what is going on in relation to sugar and insulin intake. I mean, for the most part, diabetes is certainly a struggle within ones life and I find that this struggle starts to define us, it starts to manifest emotions towards diabetes and the belief that this is too difficult to deal with and thus we then become emotional and then direct ourselves from emotions which becomes consequential in itself. For example within diabetes we must face lows and highs and each of these things has effects on the body, from my experience, the same results but different effects. Like with lows the body feels weak and tired and the brain is not moving at the rate that it could move - this makes comprehending information difficult and as well as processing - with highs the body feels sluggish and , for me, the breathing becomes laboured and I can feel the sinuses start to react when there is too much sugar in the body - those are the different effects - the results are the same though. With both highs and lows, from my experience, I find that I do not want to do anything within/during or after the high or low. Like I will go low, feel weak and tired and confused, then I will bring myself out of that low and still remain within the emotion of apathy because I will not want to do anything after that, I will not want to direct myself, I would not want to do homework, I would not want to work, I would not want to do any task in which the word responsibility would be associated to and I would basically sabotage myself because of the emotion of apathy in relation to being low. With highs it is the same thing. I will end up going high and feel sluggish and tired and have this ill feeling throughout the entire body resulting in myself going into the emotion of apathy and not wanting to do anything while I am high and waiting for the sugar to come back down after correction and again this is self sabotaging because I then limit what it is that I can/cannot do within being high or low - stating that I am high and therefore I am allowed to do nothing for a while and not direct myself for a while leading to consequences that we essentially do not want for ourselves but accept through/as the movement of emotions within ourselves related to diabetes. What happens after this is that since I am doing nothing and being lazy after the high or low is treated I will then make it much harder for myself to manage diabetes because there is nothing that the body is doing physically to help/support the transfer of sugar and blood flow within the body - so like within this, I've noted that if I am really unwilling to move myself within a day, like if I feel depressed or if I feel apathetic during a day the sugar levels are really difficult to maintain a balance within - and thus it becomes much harder to keep a stable sugar level

So that is a synopsis of how emotions can affect diabetes and how if emotions are allowed to direct ourselves while living with diabetes we are certainly making diabetes MUCH more difficult than what it already is . I am here writing to say that these emotions don't need to exist, they don't need to direct us or affect how we take care of ourselves within diabetes, and through walking oneself out of the emotions existent within diabetes and related to movement of sugar levels diabetes becomes much more stable because one is then making sure that self is stable within themselves in relation to emotions/feelings related to diabetes and then that transfers over to diabetes itself which is a very cool thing to notice

Walking a process to stop emotions isn't always easy, especially when it is related to a physical illness such as diabetes and it will take work and effort and a realization from self that when one is high, to not react to being high, simply correct and trace back the steps one took to lead to that high. I know that some are like anomalies, they do not fit any pattern that one has found previously, but the point here is to not take that point and create an emotion out of it, it is to make sure that one can understand what is going on in the body at that time and then do some research about what is going on so that one is able to correct the pattern. With this example if one was to react with emotions in regards to being high, I know I have often, one just creates an additional problem to that problem that one is facing in regards to the physical body within diabetes so it makes it harder to understand the initial problem and one doesn't even want to look at the initial problem because one has become emotional in the first place

With waling myself within emotions related to diabetes I have found that the blood sugar control is a lot better, in this the main thing that I have accepted in the fact that I HAVE DIABETES lol, and that I am going to have to live with it for the rest of my life so best to align myself to effective care than to deny facing the point of diabetes and working with it. Like, when I was first diagnosed I fucking hated diabetes, I didn't want to live with it, I wanted my `old` life back where I could do what I wanted when I wanted to do it, eat what I wanted when I wanted to eat it, be `free` so to speak from a life of limitation and a life of having to jump through hoops to get what I need to survive, so this is, I find, the main point in relation to diabetes and allowing emotions to run/direct oneself with care for self within the point of diabetes

In the next few blogs I am going to take a few emotions that I go through and walk a process within them in relation to stopping the emotions when/as they come up - directing the emotions and then directing myself to effective care and support for myself within diabetes so that I am able to create more of a point of stability within myself as I walk my life of diabetes. In addition I will write about the points that most diabetics will face in their lives in relation to taking care of self within the point of diabetes and write out support processes for myself as I walk these points myself, and use the body as a cross-reference for how I am supporting myself

Day 11 - Separation From Experiences SF

In a previous post I wrote about a point regarding speaking to my uncle and noting that I had ate food soon before there and was starting to feel a bit high but then I decided to make an excuse of being social in that moment to not cut myself out from the conversation and go test and correct. So here in this post I am taking that point and writing out Self forgiveness statements and self corrective statements to assist and support myself in making a change to that pattern so that I live what is best for me in these types of situations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my health in order to experience a movement of energy within me such as while watching a movie wherein I have the thought to test my blood sugar yet I ignore that thought and refocus myself on the movie or the conversation that I am having instead of separating myself from the experience of watching the movie or speaking within the conversation and testing the blood sugar

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harm the body and harm my health by allowing myself to ignore testing the blood sugar levels in order to experience something for a bit longer instead of noting the thought that I should test at that moment and stopping myself in the experience of conversation or watching a movie or participating in an activity and then to go test the blood sugar

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather experience entertainment or a good feeling for a while longer than to practically give myself a `good` feeling through separating myself from an/the experiences and testing my blood sugar

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect my health by staying within an experience of watching a movie or being social while it is apparent that my blood sugar and my health needs to be addressed and considered in that moment, and in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that my health must be considered in every moment since being a diabetic does need constant attention and consideration of what factors are going into the bg levels and accordingly needs to be corrected/supported through my self movement to give myself good care

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto an experience within a situation like talking or like watching a movie or being social when it compromises my health and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship with the body where I have been telling it that I am more interested in the experience of something that the care and support of the body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the consideration that I must test in a moment of experience in order to revel or indulge within the experience instead of cutting myself out of that experience within a moment in order to support the body and myself in/as aligning myself to effective care and consideration for the body within diabetes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not separate myself from an experience in order to check up on the blood sugar and give myself effective care and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell the body that my relationship to it comes after I've had a mental fix of an experience of something saying that I prefer the mind over the body which it will respond to

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to correct my relationship to the body by taking myself away from an experience in a moment and going to check the blood sugar to state that I will give more attention ot the body and the health of the body instead of the mind and there experiences there within

I commit myself to when/as I am in a social event or am watching a movie and I am caught up by the experience of that event/situation and there is a consideration within myself to go and check up on the blood sugar because I feel a bit high or I feel something and would like to check up on it, to in that moment of consideration say to the other person to give me a moment while I go and check the blood sugar and then go check the blood sugar or if I am watching a movie to simply go check the blood sugar, pause the movie and go check

I commit myself to changing the body/mind/self relationship through placing health and diabetes as an equal consideration towards everything else and thus removing the point of holding onto experiences and placing experiences as priority so that I am able to give equal consideration to the body and what the body is going through in relation to diabetes and then obviously place that as a point of priority in the moments when it is pertinent that I check the blood sugar and correct any point of imbalance

I commit myself to giving care towards the body and to stop sending it the message that I have more care for the mind and the experiences within/as the mind than the body by giving myself proper and effective care within the point of stopping myself within an experience or moment so that I can go check up on the body and correct any point need be

I commit myself to checking up on the body periodically throughout the day simply by bringing myself back here in awareness of myself within/as the body with diabetes and assess what the sugar is feeling like within the body and assess if the body needs any form of support in regards to hydration or sugar balance and then accordingly do so regardless of what I am doing/experiencing in that moment and regardless of the any physical jobs that I am doing in that moment because what is best for me within the job is to take care of the body so that I can do the job effectively and with minimal negative consequences due to improper management of diabetes through prioritizing another point over the body and the health of the body within diabetes

I commit myself to realigning the relationship with the body wherein I give the body the support that it needs regardless of what I am doing or the experience I am having, in this separating myself from the experiences and moving myself to support the body when needed and in this placing the physical health of the body as priority over experiences