Day 20 - The Relationship with Being Low and Being Here

I had an interesting experience with a low yesterday and what I noticed is that it can become really dangerous when self is not here in awareness in/or/as self within/as the physical reality

For context; I was feeling a bit high when I was leaving to go out grocery shopping, I had a few coffees with sugar before that and I just woke up before that and when I wake up I have been finding that the insulin I inject at that time is not as effective as other times, this is mainly due to, from what I've read, the start up processes of the body where the body creates sugar in the mornings or when self wakes up to give the body a bit of energy so you can start the day; so when I inject insulin in the mornings I've found that it is not as effective. I also had the coffees with sugar so I decided to inject insulin based on those factors in which I did not think that I was going to go low from

As I was driving I was feeling like I was low but there is also something that I like to call a false low which is when the blood sugar is dropping and when that happens you can basically just wait and breathe and eventually the physical feelings of being low will fade away so again I decided to breathe and wait it out and continue on with getting groceries cause I didn't think that I was actually going low

By the time that I got to the grocery store the feelings of being low were still around, I was still not able to concentrate effectively, I was still feeling physically weak so I was starting to plan when/where/how I am going to get sugar, luckily they were offering cookies at the entrance to the grocery store cause it's the holiday season which was quite beneficial for me lol, so when I had the cookie I was like ok, I will wait it out again, wait till the sugar from the cookie is digested and placed into the blood stream and wait to feel better so I continued shopping for groceries.

I went to the produce section first and I was still feeling like shit, still waiting for the cookie to kick in and still thinking/hoping that it would kick in soon enough; it never did, so the blood sugar continued to drop. I didn't think that the low was that bad because usually there is like an experience of fear and worry and stress that signifies a serious low, but in stopping the emotions in that time I was not catching the `seriousness` of the low. The seriousness started to show when my vision started to go and this is where the title of the blog becomes relevant. When I started to lose my vision I was noticing an interesting thing that I have not noticed before - some of the images that I was seeing were carrying over into the next moment as I would move my eyes. So for instance I was starting at this machine that looked like a big pressure cooker and then I looked over towards apples or something and the image of the pressure cooker carried over to the apples and I didn't immediately see the apples, I had to take a step back, clear myself, then take a look again. Now what I noticed about that moment was that I was thinking about the pressure cooker, I was thinking about what it was, what the employees specifically used it for, you know, and then as I stared away the image carried over with it. This same thing happened with a memory where I went off into a memory and then again it was like right here infront of me - more so than it would be if I was `normal` like when a memory comes up it is in front of the `third eye` but one can see the physical reality in front of self, like all physical reality shut out and all I saw was the memory - it was really interesting and I have yet to find a suitable explanation but it seems like the brain didn't have the capacity to fuel both the image of the memory and the physical reality and thus it becomes really dangerous to participate in the mind when going low cause the separation from physical reality is clearly quite detrimental. When I did go into that mind state when the image would carry over I would more so lose my balance cause I was not aware of my physical body, I was not away of the physical reality in/as balance, gravity and stabilization.

What this shows is how much participating in the mind actually separates me from the physical reality, it shows that when I participate in the mind in thought/projection/imagination we severely cut ourselves out from the physical reality, we forget all things around us, we only see the image of the thought, and as I look at it the body does all these things for us, it stays within the physical reality and supports us to be here in the physical reality, meaning that because the body didn't have the energy/fuel to remain here within the physical reality, the second I went into the mind and thought the body quickly struggled to remain physically stable - so herein we have a responsibility for the body and for ourselves to get out of the mind, get out of the thoughts/emotions/feelings that accompany participating in energy within the mind and focus ourselves here on the body and supporting the body equally as it has been supporting us the entire time without us even being aware of it. So in this I mean, I know that I personally do participate a lot in the mind, random thoughts, imaginations etc and I never realized how much the body was actually supporting me in this physical reality unconditionally, how often that, despite my participation in the mind, it was here for me keeping me here, because I mean taking a look at that point, as a resident of the body I have done not much to support it in the physical reality - I have allowed myself to go into the mind and cut myself out from the physical reality and I'm sure that as I do this I am creating consequences for the body - possible needing to expend more energy to remain stable here as it doesn't have support but the opposite rather, cause I am not here as I think or participate in the mind and I am not giving care or support to the body when having physical ailment such as diabetes.

So I will be working on being here more cause it has been a point that I have been looking at recently as there have been more problems with the body that I have been noticing start to heal as I calm myself down within the mind and stop myself from going off into the mind on random tangents.

Overall we have a responsibility to our bodies to give it more support to be here rather than it having to do it solely by itself. I suggest to investigate Desteni to understand what the mind is what/how we've designed it to be and have been using it for and how it has become detrimental towards the body and the physical reality

Day 17 - Diabetic Depression

Depression can be quite crippling when diabetes is added into the equation. Not only can depression set in from being diagnosed with diabetes but depression can drastically alter the `normal` homeostasis that one gets used to when taking care of themselves with diabetes

So let's look at one point first, the point of being depressed when being diagnosed or realizing that diabetes is going to have it limits on what you can do and not do within this lifetime. The thoughts that may be going on in the mind when this point is triggered are "I can't do the same things that I could always do" or "Man, my life is going to suck from now on because I cannot live the same way that I could" or " My life is never going to be the same again" so if these thoughts run around in the mind and are not directed then depression most likely is going to set in because if one accepts these thoughts as valid then one is going to believe that life is not going to be the same and must change everything that they do or must stop participating in the activities that they once did then of course depression will occur from this point. I remember one specific memory of going into depression when I was diagnosed and that was when I was introduced to hitchhiking and when I got home and discussed it with my parents the point of diabetes was brought to my awareness so in that moment I realized that diabetes was going to limit me in this lifetime so I went into a depressed state for a while. I was upset at the fact that I would not be able to do what I would like. So yes there are limitations that diabetics have to endure but it doesn't mean that one's entire lifestyle must change drastically.

So for example, I was a big skateboarder a few years ago, by big I mean I did it every day for at least a hew hours a day. Now if you're you would understand how exercise can really lower blood sugar so when I was diagnosed it didn’t mean that I couldn't skateboard anymore or express myself within the point of enjoyment within physical activity it simply meant that I need to make sure that I covered a few more points before I could go out and skateboard, mainly so check my blood sugar to see where it was at before I would go out, although I didn’t always do this, and it meant that I have to bring a few sugary things with me so that I could correct any lo blood sugars that happened when I would be out skateboarding.

In this one may believe that self is alone within the disease but that isn't necessarily true. Yes, we have to take care of ourselves alone we are the ones who are with ourselves in each moment and we are the ones who are going to know what is best for us in relation to insulin dosages and activity levels and what actions result in what reactions within the body, but the idea/belief that we are completely alone and that no one else is going to understand the disease is not true. When I was skateboarding with a group of friends they would check up on me every so often, ask me if I was low or if I needed anything to make sure that I am ok, which was nice in hind sight, or when I did need something to eat but didn't have anything on me then they offered to help out by getting me something to eat somewhere or somehow. They understood the basics of the issue = if I was low then I needed sugar to bring myself back up and that is all that they really needed to know to assist and support me when I would go low.

For those who face depression from time to time in relation to being a diabetic, look at the thoughts that are coming up and question those thoughts and whether or not they are really valid, and in this to as well not accept limitations from yourself. If you believe or think that diabetes is going to limit you from doing something then investigate and find solutions to the problem rather than only looking at the problem. Like now I see that if I had enough supplies on me then I would be able to hitchhike for a while, then find a hospital in an area that I was heading to then ask them for supplies as most hospitals give away insulin for free when in need, this is for Canada at least = so there are solutions, one only must take into consideration a few more points when embarking on a task. As well these points of consideration are not a burden upon self but a cool gift - as one starts to consider much more things about the body than a `normal` person would and can give oneself a lived knowledge of what the body can handle in relation to points within diabetes.

No need to be depressed simply look for solutions than the `problems` that exist.

Day 12 - Stabilizing Emotions Stabilizes Diabetes

I find that most of us diabetics are very emotional people and can react quite easily to something someone says to us about diabetes which they may not be entirely informed upon, or we are limited in some aspect within our realities due to a point regarding diabetes such as insurance or benefits or time scheduling or travelling - I mean when I was a teenager a friend introduced me to hitchhiking and I became quite attracted to hitchhiking or the idea of it - then I took a look at the point of diabetes and saw that it was not possible because I had diabetes. I then became very depressed and frustrated because I realized in that moment that diabetes was going to be a limitation upon my life and I simply couldn't do some of the things that I would want to do - so most of us diabetics are going to, at some point in our lives, face the reality that we have diabetes and that it is going to limit our lives, stop us from doing what we would like to do at times, and cause us to deal with the moronic lines of red tape.

Not only that, but we are also faced with challenges on a daily basis, you know, we have to make sure what we are doing, each day, is in alignment with care and consideration of diabetes so that we do not end up in a consequential outcome due to not paying attention to what the body is saying or what is going on in relation to sugar and insulin intake. I mean, for the most part, diabetes is certainly a struggle within ones life and I find that this struggle starts to define us, it starts to manifest emotions towards diabetes and the belief that this is too difficult to deal with and thus we then become emotional and then direct ourselves from emotions which becomes consequential in itself. For example within diabetes we must face lows and highs and each of these things has effects on the body, from my experience, the same results but different effects. Like with lows the body feels weak and tired and the brain is not moving at the rate that it could move - this makes comprehending information difficult and as well as processing - with highs the body feels sluggish and , for me, the breathing becomes laboured and I can feel the sinuses start to react when there is too much sugar in the body - those are the different effects - the results are the same though. With both highs and lows, from my experience, I find that I do not want to do anything within/during or after the high or low. Like I will go low, feel weak and tired and confused, then I will bring myself out of that low and still remain within the emotion of apathy because I will not want to do anything after that, I will not want to direct myself, I would not want to do homework, I would not want to work, I would not want to do any task in which the word responsibility would be associated to and I would basically sabotage myself because of the emotion of apathy in relation to being low. With highs it is the same thing. I will end up going high and feel sluggish and tired and have this ill feeling throughout the entire body resulting in myself going into the emotion of apathy and not wanting to do anything while I am high and waiting for the sugar to come back down after correction and again this is self sabotaging because I then limit what it is that I can/cannot do within being high or low - stating that I am high and therefore I am allowed to do nothing for a while and not direct myself for a while leading to consequences that we essentially do not want for ourselves but accept through/as the movement of emotions within ourselves related to diabetes. What happens after this is that since I am doing nothing and being lazy after the high or low is treated I will then make it much harder for myself to manage diabetes because there is nothing that the body is doing physically to help/support the transfer of sugar and blood flow within the body - so like within this, I've noted that if I am really unwilling to move myself within a day, like if I feel depressed or if I feel apathetic during a day the sugar levels are really difficult to maintain a balance within - and thus it becomes much harder to keep a stable sugar level

So that is a synopsis of how emotions can affect diabetes and how if emotions are allowed to direct ourselves while living with diabetes we are certainly making diabetes MUCH more difficult than what it already is . I am here writing to say that these emotions don't need to exist, they don't need to direct us or affect how we take care of ourselves within diabetes, and through walking oneself out of the emotions existent within diabetes and related to movement of sugar levels diabetes becomes much more stable because one is then making sure that self is stable within themselves in relation to emotions/feelings related to diabetes and then that transfers over to diabetes itself which is a very cool thing to notice

Walking a process to stop emotions isn't always easy, especially when it is related to a physical illness such as diabetes and it will take work and effort and a realization from self that when one is high, to not react to being high, simply correct and trace back the steps one took to lead to that high. I know that some are like anomalies, they do not fit any pattern that one has found previously, but the point here is to not take that point and create an emotion out of it, it is to make sure that one can understand what is going on in the body at that time and then do some research about what is going on so that one is able to correct the pattern. With this example if one was to react with emotions in regards to being high, I know I have often, one just creates an additional problem to that problem that one is facing in regards to the physical body within diabetes so it makes it harder to understand the initial problem and one doesn't even want to look at the initial problem because one has become emotional in the first place

With waling myself within emotions related to diabetes I have found that the blood sugar control is a lot better, in this the main thing that I have accepted in the fact that I HAVE DIABETES lol, and that I am going to have to live with it for the rest of my life so best to align myself to effective care than to deny facing the point of diabetes and working with it. Like, when I was first diagnosed I fucking hated diabetes, I didn't want to live with it, I wanted my `old` life back where I could do what I wanted when I wanted to do it, eat what I wanted when I wanted to eat it, be `free` so to speak from a life of limitation and a life of having to jump through hoops to get what I need to survive, so this is, I find, the main point in relation to diabetes and allowing emotions to run/direct oneself with care for self within the point of diabetes

In the next few blogs I am going to take a few emotions that I go through and walk a process within them in relation to stopping the emotions when/as they come up - directing the emotions and then directing myself to effective care and support for myself within diabetes so that I am able to create more of a point of stability within myself as I walk my life of diabetes. In addition I will write about the points that most diabetics will face in their lives in relation to taking care of self within the point of diabetes and write out support processes for myself as I walk these points myself, and use the body as a cross-reference for how I am supporting myself

Day 5 - Diabetes and Bi-Polarity

It has come to my attention that within diabetes polarities exist. Look at the relationship between ourselves and diabetes, (those of us who are diabetic), and how we must maintain the highs and lows to maintain homeostasis of the blood sugar, that in itself is based on polarities of our consumption of foods. Polarities also exist within the mind in regards to depression, excitement, sadness, happiness, love, hate etc. It is clear that through my participation within these systems (love, hate) that they too affect the polarity of self and will consequently affect the polarity of the blood sugar. Take for instance stress. Most diabetics know and are aware that stress will affect the blood sugar, but stress is caused within the mind. Through taking a grade 12 university biology course, stress affects the livers production of glucagon which breaks down into glucose because of the adrenal glands production of glucocorticoids, and the adrenal glands are active during stress because of the fight or flight response. Now since stress exists only within the mind and has affects on the physical systems of the body it can then be said that depression can, as well, affect the systems of the body, same with love, same with hate, same with anger, same with depression, it is only understanding how, where, and the triggers of said emotions.

What we as diabetics need to see, be aware of, and live responsibility within/as is maintaining homeostasis within the body and within the mind. Homeostasis is the best operating range or state to exist within. If we allow ourselves to become too happy then we are most likely subject to binges, subject to excitatory reactions within the mind and from what I've seen within myself, that is when I can think about consuming large amounts of sugar and essentially say "fuck it, why not, I'm happy" and then I binge out on sugar and more often than not, allow myself to go hyperglycemic. This also relates to sadness wherein I've consumed sugar when I am sad, consumed high caloric foods or high sugar foods to make myself `feel good` - looking at that now it is a fascinating mechanism because the only thing that `feels good` in that moment is taste. Consuming sugar doesn’t allow myself to face what is making myself sad, nor does it make myself not feel sad, it is only used as a mechanism to not face the sadness that I was/am going through and to suppress the sadness. A fascinating thing with sugar is its relationship to happiness and how the human, through parental upbringing, is exposed and systematically influenced to create this relationship between self and sugar. Within this relationship we can see the polarity existent between the relationship of sugar and self and the affects of the polarities of the mind on the polarities of the body regarding homeostasis within blood glucose.

As a child I had this relationship to sugar, where I would want sugar, demand sugar, throw tantrums if I did not get sugar, in order to manifest an experience of being `happy`, most likely because of the sugar high, but with that being said, if I was sad or upset sugar was commonly used as a method to `uplift` my mood in which the relationship between sugar and myself was created - again basing it around the polarities and consistently wanting a high

Diabetics then have a responsibility to maintain our emotions and feelings and to not allow them to be the directive principle of ourselves, although we have already allowed that to happen due to the manifestation of diabetes and the want for highs (happiness and sugar), and our allowance of ourselves to go out and buy and consume something sugary or look for happiness in other places, there is also degeneration of genetics, but sugar and the want for happiness is the catalyst for the disease. In this, and as I am writing this, I see how I am heavily influenced by positivity and attempt to avoid negativity to an nth extent wherein I will consume sugar and use substances that will chemically alter my brain to not have to feel anything other than `good`, but in the laws of polarities, the good must always come with the bad, so therefore within wanting good I am also wanting bad so that I can maintain the experience of going/being high vs a low.

The point of responsibility here sits within our life and how to direct our life and how to give effective care of the body in maintaining homeostasis and if our emotions and feelings are frequently allowing ourselves to compromise our care for ourselves then the emotions must be understood and we must forgive ourselves for becoming subjects to our emotions/wants/feelings and decide to direct ourselves within what is best for our bodies regardless of emotions and feelings and desires. This certainly can be a difficult thing to work within and live responsibility for, but what is nice is that it is left to our choice of what we will accept and allow within ourselves or not, therefore we are the directive principle on how we choose to live our life, and if it is not what is best for all then we only have ourselves to face in the wake of consequence, and only have ourselves to blame in the wake of consequence, therefore need to realize that we are responsible.

The polarities of the mind, for myself, need to be understood and not allowed to influence the body and our ability to take care of the body. I am aware that within consuming sugar, within consuming coffee, consuming cigarettes that I've created a chemical need within the brain and I must, if I am to settle the polarities of myself and the mind, walk through lows within putting an end to the substances that I've abused, and decide to take care of the chemistry of the body and stop fluctuation from highs and lows as best as possible at the moment so that I can gather a strength to direct the mind when/as desires come up so that I am not influenced or directed by them and am able to maintain care for the body.

In the next post I will write out self forgiveness on the relationship to positivity and diabetes.

Sites to check out:

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

http://eqafe.com

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com

http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com

Day 4 - Living with Diabetes Part 1

In this series of blogs that are to come I will be writing about a point relevant to diabetes that I go through in my day to day living and show how different a lifestyle it can really be, and to show, to the best of my knowledge through living with diabetes, biological functions, that I would be more than pleased to be corrected on, so do not fear leaving a `snarky` comment correcting me, I like to learn more and cross reference material with others; I may expand on such things as insulin, like how it is made, the resources needed to make it, the affects on the environment, monetary factors, and this will be a learning process for myself because much of what I just suggested I may write about I will need to do research as well.

Since this is the intro blog

Let me take you through my day.

Mornings: Wake up at 18:00-19:00, due to working nights in which I have to severely consider how much activity I am doing due to the affects of physical exercise and insulin sensitivity within my body, have to consider how much food I eat…there are many things that I could extrapolate upon in regards to work and diabetes - lets just title that work and leave that there for now.

I proceed to check my blood sugar, usually - have not been the spitting image of `perfect` in regards to diabetes - which again is something to take apart and dissect = the image of perfection within diabetes = perfection of care of health possibly - I'm sorry if I ramble, but as I write this I am noting this for myself later on so that I can refer back to it for topics to write about. And in the mornings I have been frequently high, so as I wake up, I've kinda just accepted this as `the way it is`, and reach for two needles that I have to inject 25 decilitres of one insulin, and depending on how high, or if I'm high, x amount of decilitres of another insulin into either my buttocks, the back of my arms, abdomen, or thighs. I favour the buttocks, thighs, and back of the arms for the insulin I inject 25 decilitres of ( I will go into further detail in time on the different types of insulin) and the abdomen for the insulin that I use depending on how much I eat and what the `level` of (my) sugar is.

I make breakfast, and consider what I will be doing in the following hours based on activity level of what I can and should not eat, and usually say "fuck it, I will eat what I would like to eat and inject insulin according to what I would like to eat", and sometimes all I like to eat in the morning is an apple and a banana. I will then inject insulin based on how much carbohydrates I will eat and what I will be doing in the next few hours and based off of `how I feel` meaning if I feel `heavy` then that usually means that the insulin sensitivity rate is low and I will need more insulin than if I were to not feel `heavy`. I then carry on with whatever task I have for the time being until I get ready for work

Before work I check the sugar again at about 21:30 - it is about 2 hours after my previous test - so that means that the insulin that I injected to correct the amount of food I ate will be at it's `peak activity` which I will explain another time, and since it is at it's peak activity the rate of transfer of sugar into the cells is highest here throughout the 4 hour lasting time of the injection and means that I need to consider if I need to eat before work in order to maintain a level sugar throughout the first period of work or if I need to inject more insulin to get myself to a stable point during work. If all is well then I make a lunch, which I stick to a routine within, meaning I usually eat the same thing each lunch so that I can work with minimal factors influencing the sugar level and stick to a routine that I have become adapted to at the moment.

Work: (23:00-7:00) Since it has become warmer recently I now bike to work that is about 15 minutes of activity which I have to consider how hard I am biking because as I get to work the insulin that I injected when I woke up will change sensitivity and it will affect the sugar level during the first period of work - so I suppose I can mention here that recently I have been going low just before work starts and usually eat a banana to correct it….since I started working nights, and even previously within the job that I do, days that I am not low during work is a rarity and I always carry 3 bananas with myself along with `emergency sugar` which is a candy that I will bring along because of the pattern shown throughout the time that I have been working. Since the job that I do is physically demanding I have to keep in mind when I've injected insulin and how much I've injected, like .5 of a unit will make a drastic change in the sugar level throughout the next period of work, and since it is physically demanding I need to cut back the amount of insulin that I would normally inject, which took a bit of time to figure out how much I needed to inject for the food that I ate, which is why I stick to the food routine. The sugar levels during work are usually in the `acceptable range` (4mmol-8mmol) and I suppose that is due to the physical activity and the balancing of sugar correction throughout the periods of work. A point to mention here, that I will write about later, is the affect of adrenaline and noticing the symptoms of being low.

Getting home/school: (7:00-12:00) When I get home the sugar level is normally good because of the work that I just did and the affects of activity, although there have been times where I have been high returning from work which I do not exactly know the reason for, but have based it on the fact that I slow down my activity during work near the end of the night. I test my blood sugar and only eat something small like an apple because when I did eat cereal or something high in carbohydrates the time during school I would be running high for a while and correcting the sugar during school has been a pain in the ass for sometime because if I am high and I need to correct the sugar, the affect of dropping in sugar level is similar to the experience of being low and I find it incredibly hard to concentrate when this is happening, so I decided to eat something small which I normally don't need insulin for, because of the activity of work, which has been supportive recently since I do not experience too many lows during school any longer and thus can concentrate a lot better, not to mention give myself the ability to process the information. During school I inject 23 decilitres of insulin again. I used to be very self conscious about injecting insulin in front of people to the point where I would not inject insulin when eating if I was in public which was quite dangerous now looking at it.

When I get home from school, I test again, eat, inject insulin and sit down for about 2 hours studying if I need to or fall asleep. Eating so early to bed has been a problem and is most likely the cause to the morning highs, although I have noticed some other factors that can really influence the sugar level in the morning such as stress or simply resistance to working on something.

In the next posts I will certainly go into much more detail and take apart many aspects of a diabetic life and expand on the relationship lines between each aspect, but for now I hope that this overview gives you an insight into what a diabetic lives with and has to consider on a daily basis, and possibly information that you can apply to your own life.