Day 14 - Anger and Frustrated when Hypoglycemic

It is quite common for diabetics to experience themselves as frustrated while they go through periods of hypogylycemia. I've experienced this myself many times. I would feel a low coming on or feel low in that moment and have to take myself away from what it was that I was doing in that moment to concentrate my efforts to go get something to eat, so in that one moment I would storm out of my room or move with haste to go get something to eat, and if anyone or anything got in my way and delayed me from getting something to eat I would blow up at them and experience myself as completely angry and frustrated at that person or thing for delaying me, for even a second, from getting the substance that I needed in that moment. In addition to walking/moving with haste there is another point of confusion and disorientation and the only thing that one wants to focus on when low is getting to that food, and one cannot effectively concentrate on much more then that, so if someone were to take me off track from focusing my efforts to go get food I would, again, blow up at them, because I was focused on that one sole point of getting food, and when someone would take my concentration away from getting food I would, again, blow up at them with frustration and anger for distracting me.

One thing to mention about frustration and anger in relation to being hypoglycemic is that in order for self to get angry and frustrated the anger and frustration would already have to exist in the first place. And as I take a look at it now I see that I never blew up at people who I did not know, mainly it was family members, people in my life whom I have allowed small reactions of frustration and anger to build up over the time that I interacted with them, so this is a cool point to see who/what/where self has developed and built up reactions to people because it certainly is hard to control those reactions when your low, it just comes out and bursts from within.

In the first paragraph I mentioned the need to remove self from whatever self is doing within a moment to go and get something to eat. Now this is where I see the frustration/irritation/anger residing from. As I take a look at myself when I would go low and need to take myself away from watching a movie or take myself away from doing a responsibility or take myself away from working, that initial point of needing to remove myself from an experience was the starting point of the frustration and anger and irritation. There was always a reaction within myself of not simply being able to sit down and watch something and enjoy it without being taken away from the experience or being taken away from the job/task that I was doing. So from being low and not being able to concentrate on the movie or being able to maintain myself working or doing the task that I was doing or the activity that I was doing I would immediately become frustrated, not in complete awareness, but the point was there for sure. It was only when someone would talk to me whom I've had a built up anger and frustration towards that I would explode and burst towards the person or thing that would get in my way.

If this were to continue without being directed then the frustration and anger would build up in regards to diabetes and then self would continue to remain in frustration and anger to the point where self may wake up frustrated and irritated and not know exactly why. As well, it would then define the relationship towards self and diabetes, where, anything related to diabetes that would separate self from an experience or that would distract self from working or doing an activity anger and resentment would built up within that one moment and throughout one's life anger and irritation and frustration would be the defining point of the relationship with self and diabetes, which is certainly not a cool way to live with the relationship to diabetes. This relationship towards diabetes can certainly develop through the point of reacting towards needing to stop work or to stop an activity, and for feeling weak during the activity and not being able to participate in the activity in the way that one would like to participate in the activity. Take for example when I was skateboarding - this is a sport that I enjoyed expressing myself within, there would be times when I would be enjoying it, doing well within it, and then comes on the low, I feel weak, and I need to stop myself from the experience of doing well within skateboarding to go correct the sugar level. So I would react to needing to stop myself, I would become angry and frustrated over feeling weak because the sugar level was dropping and not being able to participate in skateboarding the way I would like. I would then connect the anger and frustration to being a diabetic and create a relationship with diabetes revolving around the emotions that I was developing/creating, which then, over time, could've became the definition of the relationship between myself and diabetes

over the last year or so I have certainly noticed a change within myself as I am hypoglycemic. I am not as frustrated or angry at people around me and I do not react as much when someone asks me a question or as I am distracted from going to get food when I am low. I still react to needing to stop working in order to correct the sugar levels, because there are points of guilt that come up, and there are points of not being able to get things done on time, so I mean what I am saying within those moments is that I am not here to support the body unconditionally, that the support for the body within the relationship of diabetes is conditional based on what I want to do within a given moment, which is not a cool relationship to create with the body in relation to support within diabetes. So It is possible to stop the reactions and just stop myself within working, let whomever know that I need to leave for a second to go and support the body via eating something, and go and eat something unconditionally and without reaction - because in this one will be able to correct and change the relationship to the body/self within diabetes from conditional support where reactions come up - to unconditional support where, no matter what, self is here in support for the body

I will continue in the next post

Day 13 - Not Testing Blood Sugar Due to Fear

In the previous blog I was writing about how emotions can result with instability in care and management of diabetes because one is acting from the starting point of those emotions instead of acting/moving/directing from the starting point of consideration and care for self within diabetes. So in considering this point I have noticed a common tendency within myself to not check the blood sugar level when I am aware that I am high simply because I do not want to face the high number, so here it goes:

When I've been aware that I've abdicated responsibility for myself in diabetes and more or less `know` that my blood sugar is far too high to get a `normal` reading out of I will deliberately not test my blood sugar to not face the high numbers, because the numbers don't lie, showing me that I've abdicated responsibility for myself. I feared seeing the number of 16 or 20 mmol/l showing me that I've not participated in effective care of myself in diabetes and in this fear I decide to not check the sugar level and only inject insulin. Obviously this is not what is best for me because, for one, I do not know where on the scale the blood sugar in fact is - I may end up doing to little insulin and allow myself to remain high - or I may do too much insulin and cause myself to go low unexpectedly which may happen at a time that I do not have a form of sugar on my person to bring the sugar back up to normal.

As stated above this fear is related to the lack of responsibility that I've had for myself in diabetes and this I've had for, probably much of my life with diabetes. I didn't want to see/face the lack of responsibility that I had for myself, the lack of care, the lack of self love that I had for myself, and wanted to remain in the bubble of bliss in the illusion that I am doing `just fine` managing/taking care of myself in diabetes because I am still alive and no complications in regards to the nervous system or the endocrine system or the circulatory system have manifested yet - again not wanting to face that those complications build up over time and over an extended period of improper management of diabetes. I mean there was an entire year when I was living on my own that I did not test, I only went by the feeling of the body and whether or not I went low - because in knowing that I am low I know where the blood sugar is, but with highs it can be hard to judge where the blood sugar is - whether it is 10, 15, or 20 - there are quite large differences in the body's function and feeling when the sugar is at those levels, but there are gradients between each of those 5mmol/l intervals that are difficult to discern from one another.

In looking at this, lets take the psychological point of view - meaning, that as I fear looking at/seeing the numbers on the meter read out 15mmol/l or 13mmol/l or 20mmol/l - I fear seeing myself in a `negative` light, fearing seeing what I've in fact been allowing myself to do to myself and in this not wanting to bring myself down from the belief of being `fine` in regards to taking care of myself in diabetes and wanting to hold onto the ego definition of being in `good` care of myself or properly managing myself in diabetes, which simply is not so shown through the numbers of my blood sugar the past week, nor the amount of data that I've recorded in regards to amount of insulin or carbohydrates ate. I didn't want to face myself in how I've been treating myself in diabetes and through the feeling of the body's blood sugar being high I `knew` that I was high but did not want to test my blood sugar and confirm that I've been giving myself improper care. I did not want to see the physical validation of myself being irresponsible for caring for my health in respect to diabetes so I only inject; I estimate how much I think I am and then inject a rough estimate of insulin and then hope that it all works out, I will aim on the higher side when injecting insulin so that I have that cross reference of being low later on that my sugar is at a point that I know how to correct it enough to bring myself up to where I need to be.

So why is this an issue? Taking a look at the who I am within this point it means that I do not want to align or correct my actions to sit in line with being absolutely responsible for myself within diabetes in every moment - I do not want to let go of those wants/needs/desire, mainly revolving around ill timed sugar consumption, and decide to, once and for all, take a stand within this point of diabetes and decide to give myself the gift of unconditional care and support. So if this point was to be `blown up` it would lead into severe consequences through not taking absolute responsibility and can also lead to me, one day, deciding that I have had enough of living with diabetes and saying `fuck it all` resulting in myself not taking care of myself any longer

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear seeing the reading of my blood sugar be higher than what it is suggested to stay within the limits of, fear coming to the realization that I've not been giving myself great care of myself in diabetes, fear bringing myself down from the pedestal that I've placed myself upon in the definition of who I am within the ego of being a person who is taking proper care of themselves within diabetes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself testing the blood sugar because I feel high in that moment and I do not want to see the physical confirmation of the numbers on the blood glucose meter stating that I am high and I have not done everything in my power to give myself the best treatment possible

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that yes, there are times when I am going to be high, but to purposely not test the blood sugar because I fear seeing the confirmation that I am high is an abuse to the body and a stance within myself in relation to diabetes that cannot stand the test of time within the principle of living what is best for all in/as the point of diabetes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself improper care and support via not testing the blood sugar so that I can get an accurate reading and then correctly estimate how much insulin to inject to stave off any ill-timed lows when it may really put myself in a compromising position, such as driving a car

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support the ego within wanting to define myself as being someone who takes proper care of myself rather then to support the body and take proper care of myself in fact even though testing the blood sugar unconditionally so that I am able to accurately measure how much insulin I will need to bring myself down to where I need to be and not only guessing where I am and how much insulin I need which can cause unwanted consequences and a difficult time managing the blood sugar levels

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking responsibility for myself in every moment, fear letting go of the moments wherein I know I should not be eating this sweet because I have not been active throughout the day and the body is going to have a difficult time correcting the spike , and fear taking preventative measures for any highs that I do not need to experience because within this point of fearing testing the blood sugar because I feel high, I usually have previously ate something that is not in alignment with effective support the hours before being high and thus I do not want to face the point of being high due to my conscious decision to do eat something that will make me high

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to face the point of myself eating things at improper times, like when I am aware that the body is going to have a difficult time processing the sugar, and correcting that point into what is best for all which would be stopping myself in that moment, breathing, and eating something that has a low amount of carbs and/or sugar within it so that the body is able to handle the sugar much easier than if it were a `heavy carb`

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the consequences of my decisions when deciding to eat something at an `improper` time such as a day where I've had no activity and the blood sugar is already a bit elevated by not testing the blood sugar to confirm that I am living within the consequences of my decisions and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use fear to stop me from correcting the point of myself deciding to eat at improper times

I commit myself to checking the blood sugar regardless of what I feel about the blood sugar and regardless of whether or not I fear the point of believing that I have not taken responsibility for myself resulting in being hyperglycemic, and in this I realize that if I do give into the fear and not check the blood sugar then I am deliberately allowing myself to not take responsibility in that moment, and allowing myself to `ballpark` the insulin injection which can result in unwanted consequences

I realize that being hyperglycemic does not directly translate into improper care and consideration for myself within diabetes but that deliberately not testing because of the fear of being high is allowing myself to give improper care and consideration for myself within diabetes

I commit myself to when/as I see that I feel high and I am resisting testing the blood sugar because I am aware that I ate something earlier on in the day that I did not consider and did not inject an appropriate amount of insulin for and I am fearing taking responsibility for myself by deciding to not test, to in that moment let go of the fear of not being responsible for myself in managing diabetes and realizing that if I allow myself to not test then I am still existing within that pattern of not giving myself proper responsibility in effective care and management of the point of diabetes.

I realize that giving myself proper care does not include any emotions or reaction involved to seeing a number in relation to blood sugar level and it is about who I am within the point of diabetes and that if I am emotional within taking care of myself within diabetes I am going to move myself in relation to those emotions instead of standing within the principle of what is best for all within/as the point of diabetes and proper care and consideration within diabetes

Day 12 - Stabilizing Emotions Stabilizes Diabetes

I find that most of us diabetics are very emotional people and can react quite easily to something someone says to us about diabetes which they may not be entirely informed upon, or we are limited in some aspect within our realities due to a point regarding diabetes such as insurance or benefits or time scheduling or travelling - I mean when I was a teenager a friend introduced me to hitchhiking and I became quite attracted to hitchhiking or the idea of it - then I took a look at the point of diabetes and saw that it was not possible because I had diabetes. I then became very depressed and frustrated because I realized in that moment that diabetes was going to be a limitation upon my life and I simply couldn't do some of the things that I would want to do - so most of us diabetics are going to, at some point in our lives, face the reality that we have diabetes and that it is going to limit our lives, stop us from doing what we would like to do at times, and cause us to deal with the moronic lines of red tape.

Not only that, but we are also faced with challenges on a daily basis, you know, we have to make sure what we are doing, each day, is in alignment with care and consideration of diabetes so that we do not end up in a consequential outcome due to not paying attention to what the body is saying or what is going on in relation to sugar and insulin intake. I mean, for the most part, diabetes is certainly a struggle within ones life and I find that this struggle starts to define us, it starts to manifest emotions towards diabetes and the belief that this is too difficult to deal with and thus we then become emotional and then direct ourselves from emotions which becomes consequential in itself. For example within diabetes we must face lows and highs and each of these things has effects on the body, from my experience, the same results but different effects. Like with lows the body feels weak and tired and the brain is not moving at the rate that it could move - this makes comprehending information difficult and as well as processing - with highs the body feels sluggish and , for me, the breathing becomes laboured and I can feel the sinuses start to react when there is too much sugar in the body - those are the different effects - the results are the same though. With both highs and lows, from my experience, I find that I do not want to do anything within/during or after the high or low. Like I will go low, feel weak and tired and confused, then I will bring myself out of that low and still remain within the emotion of apathy because I will not want to do anything after that, I will not want to direct myself, I would not want to do homework, I would not want to work, I would not want to do any task in which the word responsibility would be associated to and I would basically sabotage myself because of the emotion of apathy in relation to being low. With highs it is the same thing. I will end up going high and feel sluggish and tired and have this ill feeling throughout the entire body resulting in myself going into the emotion of apathy and not wanting to do anything while I am high and waiting for the sugar to come back down after correction and again this is self sabotaging because I then limit what it is that I can/cannot do within being high or low - stating that I am high and therefore I am allowed to do nothing for a while and not direct myself for a while leading to consequences that we essentially do not want for ourselves but accept through/as the movement of emotions within ourselves related to diabetes. What happens after this is that since I am doing nothing and being lazy after the high or low is treated I will then make it much harder for myself to manage diabetes because there is nothing that the body is doing physically to help/support the transfer of sugar and blood flow within the body - so like within this, I've noted that if I am really unwilling to move myself within a day, like if I feel depressed or if I feel apathetic during a day the sugar levels are really difficult to maintain a balance within - and thus it becomes much harder to keep a stable sugar level

So that is a synopsis of how emotions can affect diabetes and how if emotions are allowed to direct ourselves while living with diabetes we are certainly making diabetes MUCH more difficult than what it already is . I am here writing to say that these emotions don't need to exist, they don't need to direct us or affect how we take care of ourselves within diabetes, and through walking oneself out of the emotions existent within diabetes and related to movement of sugar levels diabetes becomes much more stable because one is then making sure that self is stable within themselves in relation to emotions/feelings related to diabetes and then that transfers over to diabetes itself which is a very cool thing to notice

Walking a process to stop emotions isn't always easy, especially when it is related to a physical illness such as diabetes and it will take work and effort and a realization from self that when one is high, to not react to being high, simply correct and trace back the steps one took to lead to that high. I know that some are like anomalies, they do not fit any pattern that one has found previously, but the point here is to not take that point and create an emotion out of it, it is to make sure that one can understand what is going on in the body at that time and then do some research about what is going on so that one is able to correct the pattern. With this example if one was to react with emotions in regards to being high, I know I have often, one just creates an additional problem to that problem that one is facing in regards to the physical body within diabetes so it makes it harder to understand the initial problem and one doesn't even want to look at the initial problem because one has become emotional in the first place

With waling myself within emotions related to diabetes I have found that the blood sugar control is a lot better, in this the main thing that I have accepted in the fact that I HAVE DIABETES lol, and that I am going to have to live with it for the rest of my life so best to align myself to effective care than to deny facing the point of diabetes and working with it. Like, when I was first diagnosed I fucking hated diabetes, I didn't want to live with it, I wanted my `old` life back where I could do what I wanted when I wanted to do it, eat what I wanted when I wanted to eat it, be `free` so to speak from a life of limitation and a life of having to jump through hoops to get what I need to survive, so this is, I find, the main point in relation to diabetes and allowing emotions to run/direct oneself with care for self within the point of diabetes

In the next few blogs I am going to take a few emotions that I go through and walk a process within them in relation to stopping the emotions when/as they come up - directing the emotions and then directing myself to effective care and support for myself within diabetes so that I am able to create more of a point of stability within myself as I walk my life of diabetes. In addition I will write about the points that most diabetics will face in their lives in relation to taking care of self within the point of diabetes and write out support processes for myself as I walk these points myself, and use the body as a cross-reference for how I am supporting myself

Day 11 - Separation From Experiences SF

In a previous post I wrote about a point regarding speaking to my uncle and noting that I had ate food soon before there and was starting to feel a bit high but then I decided to make an excuse of being social in that moment to not cut myself out from the conversation and go test and correct. So here in this post I am taking that point and writing out Self forgiveness statements and self corrective statements to assist and support myself in making a change to that pattern so that I live what is best for me in these types of situations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my health in order to experience a movement of energy within me such as while watching a movie wherein I have the thought to test my blood sugar yet I ignore that thought and refocus myself on the movie or the conversation that I am having instead of separating myself from the experience of watching the movie or speaking within the conversation and testing the blood sugar

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harm the body and harm my health by allowing myself to ignore testing the blood sugar levels in order to experience something for a bit longer instead of noting the thought that I should test at that moment and stopping myself in the experience of conversation or watching a movie or participating in an activity and then to go test the blood sugar

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather experience entertainment or a good feeling for a while longer than to practically give myself a `good` feeling through separating myself from an/the experiences and testing my blood sugar

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect my health by staying within an experience of watching a movie or being social while it is apparent that my blood sugar and my health needs to be addressed and considered in that moment, and in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that my health must be considered in every moment since being a diabetic does need constant attention and consideration of what factors are going into the bg levels and accordingly needs to be corrected/supported through my self movement to give myself good care

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto an experience within a situation like talking or like watching a movie or being social when it compromises my health and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship with the body where I have been telling it that I am more interested in the experience of something that the care and support of the body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the consideration that I must test in a moment of experience in order to revel or indulge within the experience instead of cutting myself out of that experience within a moment in order to support the body and myself in/as aligning myself to effective care and consideration for the body within diabetes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not separate myself from an experience in order to check up on the blood sugar and give myself effective care and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell the body that my relationship to it comes after I've had a mental fix of an experience of something saying that I prefer the mind over the body which it will respond to

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to correct my relationship to the body by taking myself away from an experience in a moment and going to check the blood sugar to state that I will give more attention ot the body and the health of the body instead of the mind and there experiences there within

I commit myself to when/as I am in a social event or am watching a movie and I am caught up by the experience of that event/situation and there is a consideration within myself to go and check up on the blood sugar because I feel a bit high or I feel something and would like to check up on it, to in that moment of consideration say to the other person to give me a moment while I go and check the blood sugar and then go check the blood sugar or if I am watching a movie to simply go check the blood sugar, pause the movie and go check

I commit myself to changing the body/mind/self relationship through placing health and diabetes as an equal consideration towards everything else and thus removing the point of holding onto experiences and placing experiences as priority so that I am able to give equal consideration to the body and what the body is going through in relation to diabetes and then obviously place that as a point of priority in the moments when it is pertinent that I check the blood sugar and correct any point of imbalance

I commit myself to giving care towards the body and to stop sending it the message that I have more care for the mind and the experiences within/as the mind than the body by giving myself proper and effective care within the point of stopping myself within an experience or moment so that I can go check up on the body and correct any point need be

I commit myself to checking up on the body periodically throughout the day simply by bringing myself back here in awareness of myself within/as the body with diabetes and assess what the sugar is feeling like within the body and assess if the body needs any form of support in regards to hydration or sugar balance and then accordingly do so regardless of what I am doing/experiencing in that moment and regardless of the any physical jobs that I am doing in that moment because what is best for me within the job is to take care of the body so that I can do the job effectively and with minimal negative consequences due to improper management of diabetes through prioritizing another point over the body and the health of the body within diabetes

I commit myself to realigning the relationship with the body wherein I give the body the support that it needs regardless of what I am doing or the experience I am having, in this separating myself from the experiences and moving myself to support the body when needed and in this placing the physical health of the body as priority over experiences

Day 10 - Death and Diabetes

For the most part, death is commonly on the back of a diabetics mind because there are thousands of different pathways to end up with complications such as kidney failure, loss of eyesight, loss of a limb, and neurological degeneration, and it can be something that will plague our lives for the rest of our lives; constantly questioning, wondering, fearing when we are going to die and what is it that I am doing now that may cause complications down the road.

One thing that is for sure is that each of us is going to die one day and we don't have control or a say over when we will die. Tomorrow we may get hit by a car or suffer a heart attack, or spontaneously combust. When we die we certainly don't have a say in whether or not we do in fact want to die at that moment, thus the fear of dying resulting from complications of diabetes is a useless waste of space and a irrational fear that we're keeping.

Diabetes is certainly tiresome and it most definitely has it's drawbacks. There is the possibility of complications of our health. It is possible that we may lose a limb, or get heart disease, or have kidney failure, or become blind but these possibilities do not need to become fears nor do they need to create any anger or resentment towards ourselves for having diabetes. They are possibilities and that's all they need to remain. Focusing on the what ifs and the possibilities is going to be tiresome in itself because we will always have these fears running around in the back of our minds dictating what we will and will not accept or allow ourselves to participate in, or they will start to dictate how we are going to live our lives, meaning that we will become dictators of our lives, trying to control every out come to avoid these fears from manifesting as much as possible.

This brings up another point in relation to these fears and that is the fear of control or the want to have control or the fear of loss of control. We have the fear of death related to the complications that diabetes can bring and then we have the feeling of loss of control of our lives because it is a difficult task to keep the blood sugars stable and, for me, this can easily bring up a lot of anger. For example when I wake up and I see that the blood sugar is high and go into this fear of heart disease and fear that I have no control over whether or not I am going to get heart disease I can quickly become angry that I have no control over these outcomes. Again, we don't have control, we have the illusion of control via injecting insulin and eating right, but in the end of the equation whether or not we have complications we are not able to really decide and/or have control of whether or not we are able to stay away from any complications. We are able to give ourselves the best possible control via injections and eating but it is not a definitive decision upon whether or not any complications will come up. So again to place worry and fear upon getting complications is an irrational fear and wanting to have control over ourselves based on what will or will not happen regarding quality of life is irrational as well. We can only give ourselves the best care that we can in the each and every moment, so if we go low, we correct with consuming a sugar, if we are high, we correct with insulin, doing our best to get the ratio right to not cause any rebounds.

In addition to this I see that there is a fear of self within the whole equation. We fear that we are not taking care of ourselves, fear that we are not supporting ourselves the best way possible. We have a lack of trust for ourselves to

make the right decisions. This is irrational as well because within this we are stating that we are not ourselves and have no control over ourselves. This isn't true. We always make the decisions to live how we live, within and without, so in regards to lack of self trust to give ourselves effective care, simply apply practicality to this situation and give yourself good care. When you are in that mood of hating everything and wanting to destroy your life and diabetes along with it, forgive yourself, breathe, take a moment to step back from the anger/hate towards diabetes and self, and decide in that moment to support yourself rather than to destroy yourself.

In regards to death, we are going to die. We are only able to focus on what is within a moment and be here. This isn't to say be happy and be positive and diabetes will just get better on its own; it is to say that within a moment be aware of what we are injecting, be aware that we have diabetes and are going to need to walk through a lot of red tape to get what we need to support ourselves, be aware of what we are eating, and be aware of what decisions we are making that are not in the principle of what is best for all - considering the body.

Day 9 - Separating Myself From Experiences

Last night was thanksgiving dinner and I went to my uncle's to meet with my family. As we sat around and chatted I started chatting with another uncle of mine and as we were chatting we were eating nachos and dip. As I was eating the nachos and dip I was thinking about what I was eating and that I needed to do insulin for what I was eating and check my bg reading. I did not do that because as the consideration of checking and injecting insulin came to mind I didn't want to separate myself from the experience of communicating with my uncle. I didn't want to stop taking with him and focus on something else which would have been injecting insulin and considering how much I ate at that moment and what I would have been eating at dinner…I didn't want to take myself out of the conversation at that moment, like stop talking and `cut off` the conversation so that I could check the bg reading and inject insulin for what I ate. It took me far too long to bring myself back here from the experience of being with the family and talking so that I make the decision within myself to go check and inject insulin for what I ate and when I did check I was 10.0mmol/l which isn't that high but it certainly could've been corrected before it got to 10.0mmol/l

Another example of myself not wanting to separate myself from an experience in order to take care of myself with diabetes was when I was having coffee with a friend after going to thanksgiving dinner. And as I was talking with him I was having a coffee with sugar added to it and I was considering the insulin that I injected for supper and if it would cover the sugar that I added to the coffee. I decided that the insulin was going to cover the sugar primarily due to the reason that I had left the meter and insulin in the car and didn't want to again separate myself from the conversation, tell my friend that I had to leave for a moment and go check and inject insulin if I needed it, I wanted to keep the conversation flowing, keep up the topic that we were talking about and not create a stop in the experience that I was having. When we were done I checked and I was 11.7 and did 3R to correct the high, but again, I could have caught it earlier if I were to separate myself from the experience of communicating with my friend and bring myself back here with myself and not rely on the experience

This has happened for a while throughout the time that I have had diabetes, where I have neglected myself in order to experience something with people or by myself wherein I will sit and watch a movie and forget about testing at the times of the day that I normally test.

Obviously doing this is not best for health reasons, and it is to understand who I am within the moments where I am neglecting my health for experiences.

I used to fear that other people would judge me for having diabetes and feared that they would not understand me having to prick my finger with a needle and draw blood, and that used to be a reason for myself neglecting taking care of diabetes. It is not the same this time because when I was within the experiences at dinner there wasn't any fear of judgement from another person because they were my family and are aware that I have diabetes, and as I am alone watching a movie or playing a video game it isn't about judgment either, it is more about the experience of the situation from energy and not wanting to pull myself away from that experience in order to test the blood sugar or to inject insulin or to eat food if I am low.

So within this it is separating myself from the experience of whatever I am doing, taking myself away from a movie, stopping a conversation if need be, stepping outside, leaving someone alone for a while so that I can give myself proper care.

In the next posts I will write Self forgiveness on separating myself from experiences and giving proper care to myself without fear of being alone, or fear of conflict, and giving myself what I need to give myself regarding care and treatment of diabetes.

If you're unfamiliar with self forgiveness and the process of self forgiveness I suggest to visit http://lite.desteniiprocess.com and walk the free course that is offered there with free buddy support to give yourself and understanding of what the self forgiveness process is.

Day 8 - Does Managing Diabetes Take 14 Hours a Week?

This post is inspired by a disability fund here in Canada in the time of tax refunds. There is a portion of the tax refund that states that if you have a disability you can get some money back with an income tax return. Diabetes is specifically on that list but it states that in order for a disability to be valid one must be in a fatal state, need constant attention, or with diabetes specifically, it states that the care and support that one provides themselves with must add up to 14 hours a week and this 14 hours must be `tangible`. Meaning that the time it takes me to record the bg results each day, count carbs, test for the bg results must take me 14 hours or more which does not take me 14 hours a week therefore with all `tangible` evidence I nor most other diabetics are able to receive this tax refund for the disability that is diabetes.

This post is about the time that it takes to manage diabetes, the time that diabetics must be aware of themselves regarding diabetes and it is much more than 14 hours a week. Diabetes is something that is on our minds, something that concerns us every waking hour, something that we must factor in within all of our activities, something that limits us from doing what we would like, something that limits us financially. Diabetes is not something that takes 14 hours a week of our life, it takes our entire lives.

Diabetes is a dis-ease of the endocrine system and the endocrine system is the system that regulates homeostasis throughout the body through process of specific functions. The Pancreas is the organ that regulates blood sugar through various processes. In diabetics the pancreas either doesn't or has limited capability of regulating the blood sugar. Since blood runs throughout your body it is going to affect the entire body when/as the pancreas isn't operational and thus diabetics must consider the entire body within their actions, must consider the consequences and affects of all choices that we make in a day and whether or not it is going to affect the blood sugar or affect any other part of the body through/as the movement of blood. Within this there are many times within a day that I/we must keep in consideration our actions, we must decide how much insulin we need based on any exercise that we are doing, we must calculate whether or not we need food before the exercise, we must consider if we have injected our basal rate insulin before we've done the exercise, whether or not that amount of basal rate is going to have `too much` of an affect if we exercise and whether or not it will cause a low. And If we are unsure of all these things, which many of the times we are, we need to expect the `worst`, expect a low, expect a high and always keep food and insulin on ourselves so that we can keep ourselves alive and `healthy`

Diabetes doesn't only affect our health, it affects our lifestyles as well. It affects the choices and decision that we must make regarding our jobs, our education, our relationships, our geographical locations. For example, when I decided to go back to school to get the credits I needed for university; diabetes was my main concern, it was also my main limitation. Since the job that I had has benefits which helps out extensively with paying for insulin, meters, test strips, needles, I needed to keep the job. I had to switch to nights so that I could attend school. If I didn't have diabetes I would've stopped working and focused on school full time, but I needed to have the money for diabetes which meant that it was a limitation on the choices that I was able to make regarding school and further education. I am confident that I am not the only example of this.

Again, within work I must consider so many changes in the day/year/month/minute and calculate what the body needs within that moment because there are a lot of factors that are going to influence the blood sugar, I mean even a climate change from winter to summer affects the rate of insulin sensitivity that I must recalculate each time the weather changes, and even if it is a cold cloudy day within the fall it is going to change and I must calculate that each time that I eat and inject insulin. If the calculations are not correct or if it is the beginning of a season I must be aware of myself within whatever I am doing which means that I must separate myself from the experience of socializing, or separate myself from the experience of watching a movie, separate myself from whatever I am doing within that moment and bring myself back here with the body and check up on it to see if what I have calculated is accurate, see if I am going low, see if I am running high and then accordingly adjust the calculations and make the corrections needed within that one moment.

This process is so redundant that when I asked my endocrinologist if she would `co-sign` or be the representative for myself within the tax refund she said that she would `look` at it, but had high doubts that it would follow through because she has `tried` before with other patients only to have the government deny the request for the disability refund.

Another perspective within this is when I was 14 previous to being diagnosed my life was basically being set out in absolution. Meaning that who I was when I was 14 I was basically going to live for the rest of my life. Who I was when I was 14 was a slacker, I already had the conditioning to be a person who goes out and drinks every night, who only looks for their `next high`. I would have had done `nothing` with my life other than party and indulge in sex, masturbation, drugs, alcohol, I had no aspirations to do anything `worth while` in my life. When I was diagnosed with diabetes all that changed immediately, and my `life` in that regards was destroyed because of diabetes…I am not complaining the slightest about that change. I am grateful for diabetes in that respect because looking at it now, I would not like to have been what I was becoming in those years and am much more `happy`/ satisfied with who I am now.

Just because the tangible evidence of recording glucose readings and testing and carb counting does not add up to 14 hours within a week does not mean that diabetes does not take up 14 hours a week of our life. It in fact takes up out ENTIRE LIVES, it destroys our life for the better or for the worse and we must change ourselves to adapt to diabetes so that we can take care of ourselves, change our diets, change our habits of that which will affect the endocrine system, watch our stress levels, stop ourselves from stressing ourselves out, and each of these things takes time. Consider taking out all sugar from your diet, all things that have sugar in them, bread, milk, crackers, cereals…the list goes on, and managing the reactions that your going to go through by stopping sugar within your diet because you have diabetes. It limits what we can do, no scuba diving because if we go low under the ocean we probably won't be able to surface fast enough to treat the low with food, no sporadic travelling because we must plan everything out before hand so that we know that we have what we need to support ourselves, no living in the woods because we are reliant on hospitals and medications from pharmacies, you get the picture.

It is an absurdity that the government has the audacity to suggest that diabetes must take 14 hours a week of our life in order to receive a financial benefit for having diabetes when the medications and test strips when taking proper care of ourselves are above $500CDN a month without insurance (I've been there). It is absurd that our doctors are not even willing to push this point for us because they find it redundant and a `waste of time`.

Diabetes does not take 14 hours a week, It takes OUR LIVES!